Archive for May 2012

Would you pay the babysitter's $75 parking ticket?

A few months ago we decided to hire a nanny two days a week while I work. Yes, I know, I’m aware of the ongoing theme in my comments section that I’m an entitled princess and now you know I’m a housewife with a nanny. Let the caterwauling begin! I may as well throw in... Read more »

You're not going to write, so say good bye.

I had a pang of jealously this morning when my friend Stacey was in tears after a long, crying farewell. I’m not envious she’s moving to California next week (yes I am! it sounds like fun!) but rather that she’s able to say good bye. I’ve watched her countless times over the past few weeks... Read more »

War on Girls: Schools cracking down on whore fashions - UPDATED

Do you see these two sluts? They should be shamed and humiliated off educational campuses everywhere. Look at them! They are tempting the moral creed of innocent boys (and skeevy principals) with their evil, jezebellian lady tricks! Observe their trampy mischief: What’s that you say? They are adorable, wholesome children dressed modestly and appropriately for... Read more »

Hi, I'm a pregnancy test hobbyist!

Most people think pregnancy tests are either positive (BABY!) or negative (BOOZING!) but not only are they wrong, they are missing out on a very exciting pastime in the gray area. Me, I’m a pregnancy test hobbyist. Some ladies dabble in sewing or cocaine, but I’m big on the sport of taking pregnancy tests of all brands,... Read more »

Mark Zuckerberg wedding: Finally, people with nothing to prove (except EVERYTHING!)

Facebook mench Mark Zuckerberg and his long-term lady friend Priscilla Chan surprised backyard party-goers Saturday with an unannounced wedding. Apparently guests thought they were there for a graduation party but -lo!- out marches Zuck in a tux and the bridal music starts. (I’m sure those who ignored that Evite are kicking themselves. Had something better... Read more »

I'm probably that mom who doesn't want to be friends with you

Boston mommy blogger Kara Baskin wrote a post about why it’s creepy and awkward making mom friends. She is particularly confused by apparent rejections from vegan moms of boys (girls?) named Fauntleroy and the like. She writes of an endless stream of play-date dodging coming her way after initial connections with potential mom friends because,... Read more »

Time Magazine: I'm trying to be mom enough! A checklist.

I assume you saw the Time cover yesterday with the uppity-looking blonde lady breastfeeding her burly son? The message was “Are you mom enough?” Let’s discuss this. I’m trying to be mom enough. Well, according to Time’s standards anyway. – Blonde: Check. Thanks to peroxide and Moccocan Oil, I am able to maintain that generically... Read more »

Your kids look half dead - happy Mother's Day!

Niko and I just went to lunch at this kinda skeezy place on the corner. It’s a dive bar that looks like it has a 50% chance of having operating light bulbs and might serve moonshine on tap. I think I saw a stuffed goat head on the wall and some concentrated hipster evil evaporating out... Read more »

Indulge my genius toddler, will you?

A devastating work of literary pursuit. NOTE: The other bug is implied. See? Nuance.
It was a rainy day and the kids and I got a little bored couped up in the house coloring* so I pulled a little trick out of my hat that I remembered from grade school: book making! When I was in school in the 80’s we didn’t have PhotoShop or Word or whatever you... Read more »

Throwing food in the trash = SIN!

I’m livid right now. Naturally, the answer is to blog it out, presumably to an audience who will call me a jobless [DELETED] in need of rhinoplasty. But let’s begin! It seriously pains me to throw food away. Uneaten produce has to turn black in my refrigerator in order to get a trash pass. (Think... Read more »