In my imagination, a miniature Martha Stewart and a tiny Courtney Love sit on each of my shoulders, pulling me with their respective whispers. On good days, I sculpt my Stepford porn hair just so and craft with my children. I sing them songs in French and coordinate all of our outfits. We really are a smug bunch. So perfect.
So fucking perfect. The Courtney Love in me takes over and urges me to smudge my eyeliner and make dirty innuendoes on Twitter. She justifies my f-bombs and questionable necklines. It is this side of me that I use as armor to face the holidays. You see, my family is like most families in that we are a bit of a disaster. I think we’ve all tried to murder each other one point, but hey, they’re my family and I’ll drive six hours twice a year to watch TV with them and try not to stab anybody.
In the pages of Martha Stewart Magazine you will see Cover Girl turkeys and airbrushed crescent rolls. Miles of gorgeous silk table cloths are juxtaposed with charmingly rugged decor. So quaint and yet sophisticated. But at my 80-year-old grandma’s house, we sit on barstools (her living room is a bar!) and listen to the cracking open of beer cans during our holiday feast. Sometimes we lay on the floor and Uncle Jay gives my kids rides around the house on his back like a human circus elephant. I’ve picked hair out of my food and kept eating. We are not Martha Stewart Living.
If you’re curious, here’s what we’re having:
Corn In A Bowl
Ingredients: A couple cans of corn, Margarine
Directions: Spring the cans open, dump them in a bowl, fling chunks of margarine in it and zap it in the microwave for a minute or two.
Bag Of Salad
Ingredients: Bag of Salad, Wesson Canola Oil, Distilled Vinegar
Directions: Rip open the bag of salad, pour other ingredients on top.
Potato Casserole Thing
Ingredients: a frozen bag of hash browns, a few cans of condensed soup, butter, cheese
Directions: Melt a stick of butter in a pan, stir together potatoes and soup, bake topped with cheese
Some Type Of Meat Grandma Buys But Mom And I Won’t Touch
Ingredients: I think it’s pork
Directions: Hell if I know, we’re vegetarians. We may want to slice each other with our diamonds, but at least mom and I can agree that ham roast thing is nasty.
Have a good one, everybody!
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