Thanksgiving of Canned Corn and Beer

In my imagination, a miniature Martha Stewart and a tiny Courtney Love sit on each of my shoulders, pulling me with their respective whispers. On good days, I sculpt my Stepford porn hair just so and craft with my children. I sing them songs in French and coordinate all of our outfits. We really are a smug bunch. So perfect.

So fucking perfect. The Courtney Love in me takes over and urges me to smudge my eyeliner and make dirty innuendoes on Twitter. She justifies my f-bombs and questionable necklines. It is this side of me that I use as armor to face the holidays. You see, my family is like most families in that we are a bit of a disaster. I think we’ve all tried to murder each other one point, but hey, they’re my family and I’ll drive six hours twice a year to watch TV with them and try not to stab anybody.

In the pages of Martha Stewart Magazine you will see Cover Girl turkeys and airbrushed crescent rolls. Miles of gorgeous silk table cloths are juxtaposed with charmingly rugged decor. So quaint and yet sophisticated. But at my 80-year-old grandma’s house, we sit on barstools (her living room is a bar!) and listen to the cracking open of beer cans during our holiday feast. Sometimes we lay on the floor and Uncle Jay gives my kids rides around the house on his back like a human circus elephant. I’ve picked hair out of my food and kept eating. We are not Martha Stewart Living.

If you’re curious, here’s what we’re having:

Corn In A Bowl

Ingredients: A couple cans of corn, Margarine

Directions: Spring the cans open, dump them in a bowl, fling chunks of margarine in it and zap it in the microwave for a minute or two.

Bag Of Salad

Ingredients: Bag of Salad, Wesson Canola Oil, Distilled Vinegar

Directions: Rip open the bag of salad, pour other ingredients on top.

Potato Casserole Thing

Ingredients: a frozen bag of hash browns, a few cans of condensed soup, butter, cheese

Directions: Melt a stick of butter in a pan, stir together potatoes and soup, bake topped with cheese

Some Type Of Meat Grandma Buys But Mom And I Won’t Touch

Ingredients: I think it’s pork

Directions: Hell if I know, we’re vegetarians. We may want to slice each other with our diamonds, but at least mom and I can agree that ham roast thing is nasty.

Have a good one, everybody!

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  • No Jello "salad"? Surely, you jest. No Midwestern Thanksgiving is complete without Jello salad. My family Thanksgiving as a child rivaled Martha's and yet we have never been able to fully shake our Michigan identity and the 7-up Jello Salad is crucial. I've moved out West and I still have one chilling in the fridge for tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

  • In reply to code14j:

    Ha, none of that. Sounds like work. This all goes down at my grandma's, so I actually don't lift a finger for even the corn dumping. I have to rest up because I'll put my Martha hat on when I host Christmas. Err, make a Costco run?

    Wait, I know you guys have the sweet potato thing with the mashmallows on top.

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    The sweet potatoes with marshmallows are the best part!

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