Oh, 8:00 PM is here! Time to chuck the kids into bed and crack open that vino, am I right? Time to flip open the ole laptop and see what’s going down on Dlisted, maybe nose around MTV and see if Friend Zone is on. Ah. I love night. And trashy pastimes. But wait! Coming from the nursery . . . loud and shrieking . . . it sounds like The Exorcist playing on a melted record sung by the Chipmonks.
The baby is teething!
Do you ever just want to walk out your front door like you did when you were single? Just walk out. Just get your bag, do your make-up in your car and drive. But you can’t. You have to sit in the dark for two hours with a screaming demon child who thinks she is chewing on razor blades. It’s lots of fun.
Things I would rather do than listen to a screaming demon baby:
– Get trapped in a urine-soaked compartment on the red line after a Cubs game on the hottest day of the summer. The tourists! The stinking!
– Have a cabbage and bean lunch with Jessica Simpson
– Remove my contact lenses with a shrimp fork
So I guess I’ll be hunkered down here all night with a wailing kid who thinks she’s on fire. Have a nice evening. Don’t mind me. All I have to say is that tooth better be solid gold and be able to grant wishes.
JUST. POKE. THROUGHALREADYYOUDAMNIT!
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