Archive for November 2011

Sandusky 2.0: Bernie Fine fired from Syracuse. PARENTS, a reminder

Following the Penn State scandal, the flood gates have opened for victims to come forth about sexual abuse they experienced at the hands of coaches. Yesterday, Bernie Fine was fired after a record 36-year career at Syracuse University when audio tapes and accusations emerged against him. Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Fine, the catholic priests, (who knows... Read more »

Eff this Elf: Terrible ideas for your Elf on the Shelf

I debated whether The Elf on the Shelf was cool or creepy, but after my Facebook friends stirred my jealousy with their Elf pictures, I caved and bought the sucker. He was just as creepy as I imagined and for $30, should have had a better paint job. Also, why isn’t this thing pliable? You’re... Read more »

Thanksgiving of Canned Corn and Beer

In my imagination, a miniature Martha Stewart and a tiny Courtney Love sit on each of my shoulders, pulling me with their respective whispers. On good days, I sculpt my Stepford porn hair just so¬†and craft with my children. I sing them songs in French and coordinate all of our outfits. We really are a... Read more »

5 ways to judge your holiday card

Previously I expressed my glee over twee holiday cards, but that doesn’t mean we’re all not going to judge each other the second we open them. So let’s explore what your holiday card says about you! Careful, it’s time to order those suckers. 1. The Million-Picture Show Off. One or three pictures on a holiday... Read more »

Suspended IL teachers: The Masturbater vs. Daily Show Dude

Why hello there, Illinois parent! What with so many Illinois teachers suspended for bad behavior, it’s getting downright confusing to keep up with it all. Good thing I’m here with a rescue guide to keep the facts about a few of them from muddling together in our brains. 1. Paul LaDuke, a 75-year-old Christian school... Read more »

Screw this baby tooth.

It's all your fault, MOM.
Oh, 8:00 PM is here! Time to chuck the kids into bed and crack open that vino, am I right? Time to flip open the ole laptop and see what’s going down on Dlisted, maybe nose around MTV and see if Friend Zone is on. Ah. I love night. And trashy pastimes. But wait! Coming... Read more »

Silly Cosmo, muzzles are not for people - UPDATED

"Sh*t My Guy Says
Where's a muzzle when you need one?"
Earlier today we imagined TLC’s Sister Wives flipped around to the male equivalent, “Brother Husbands” with uproarious results*. Now let’s examine the November issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine with the cover teaser “Sh*t My Guy Says – Where’s a muzzle when you need one?” Really, Cosmo? A muzzle? This kind of cavalier dehumanization of men is... Read more »

Brother Husbands

The most interesting man in the world.
I don't know his real name, so I'll call him Mr. X and give him the Thursday evening rotation. He can regale his tales of the sea and put me to sleep with the sounds of ice clinking in a high ball glass. "Tell me again about the shark attack Misterrrzzzzzzz . . ."
The whole premise of TLC’s show Sister Wives is that four women share one man and split household duties. My husband has to put up with a lot from me, so maybe I could pitch the idea of bringing in a few men so no one has to handle me alone. Seriously, my list of... Read more »

ALERT! Old person learning the Twitter

#is #this #how #you #do #it? After a swell Chicago Now jam session at the Tribune Tower last night (in the basement, where they keep the bloggers) a few lessons were learned. 1. People found out I am not as tall in person as I seem on my blog. Crap. I’ll go ahead and ruin... Read more »

A case for cheesy Christmas cards

I see how you’re looking at me. Every year, two days after Thanksgiving, you tear into the crisp, holiday-themed envelope with my personalized address label and think “damn this woman!” You yank out my Christmas card, sneer, open it hoping to find a full-body photograph of me having gained 20 pounds. Then you stick it... Read more »