Previously I expressed my glee over twee holiday cards, but that doesn’t mean we’re all not going to judge each other the second we open them. So let’s explore what your holiday card says about you! Careful, it’s time to order those suckers.
1. The Million-Picture Show Off. One or three pictures on a holiday card is to be expected, but if you have a ten-picture montage of your ski vacay in the alps as your kids model their extensive baby Gucci wardrobe, you might think about toning it down. Pretentious montages are the 2011 equivalent of the mocked holiday letters people used to send. Unless you want us to pick out your flaws on pages 2-5 and laugh about that time in school when you got stuck in your gym clothes, just have a little humility, people. No one else thinks your kids are that cute.
2. The Forget-A-Kid card. Since no one cares about looking at the parents, you figure you’ll use that positively adorable picture of the baby on the holiday card this year. Aw. So sweet. Except . . . you have two kids. Hey, two is a lot to keep track of and people will forgive you if forget to put shoes on Buh-Stell one day, but they are not going to forgive you for cropping out The Other One. People will imagine you only feed the big one toast and make her sleep in the basement. Wait. Not that that’s such a bad thing, right?
3. The Phoned It In card. Yes, you are busy. I’m busy. Santa ain’t eating bonbons watching stories on daytime television either. But seriously, you have the extra ten seconds it takes to crop a picture or you know, look at the card before you order it.
4. The Christmakawanzikah Card. If anyone understands the need for diversity in one’s holiday card, trust me, it’s me. Between Muslims at my Easter dinner and Hebrews on my holiday list, I completely get wanting to have a non-religious card to send in December. However, discretion is key. A simple, “happy holidays!” is good enough, you don’t need to go to great lengths to prove your political correctness. Nobody earns cool points for being all Captain Obvious about the fact Jews spend Christmas Day at the real movies instead of watching the Christmas Story marathon drunk on their mom’s couch.
5. The New Years Card. Actually, this one gets a pass. So what if you decide to wait until January to spread a little cheer, or maybe you want to send a Valentine’s card to everyone you know. I’d much prefer that to getting an actual Christmas card in the mail on Boxing Day.
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