5 ways to judge your holiday card

Previously I expressed my glee over twee holiday cards, but that doesn’t mean we’re all not going to judge each other the second we open them. So let’s explore what your holiday card says about you! Careful, it’s time to order those suckers.

1. The Million-Picture Show Off. One or three pictures on a holiday card is to be expected, but if you have a ten-picture montage of your ski vacay in the alps as your kids model their extensive baby Gucci wardrobe, you might think about toning it down. Pretentious montages are the 2011 equivalent of the mocked holiday letters people used to send. Unless you want us to pick out your flaws on pages 2-5 and laugh about that time in school when you got stuck in your gym clothes, just have a little humility, people. No one else thinks your kids are that cute.

Too many damn pictures, mom.

2. The Forget-A-Kid card. Since no one cares about looking at the parents, you figure you’ll use that positively adorable picture of the baby on the holiday card this year. Aw. So sweet. Except  . . . you have two kids. Hey, two is a lot to keep track of and people will forgive you if forget to put shoes on Buh-Stell one day, but they are not going to forgive you for cropping out The Other One. People will imagine you only feed the big one toast and make her sleep in the basement. Wait. Not that that’s such a bad thing, right?

Something’s missing. Whatever, I have too much to remember anyway.

3. The Phoned It In card. Yes, you are busy. I’m busy. Santa ain’t eating bonbons watching stories on daytime television either. But seriously, you have the extra ten seconds it takes to crop a picture or you know, look at the card before you order it.

Oh what fun. Dad is missing a forehead and everyone looks depressed.

4. The Christmakawanzikah Card. If anyone understands the need for diversity in one’s holiday card, trust me, it’s me. Between Muslims at my Easter dinner and Hebrews on my holiday list, I completely get wanting to have a non-religious card to send in December. However, discretion is key. A simple, “happy holidays!” is good enough, you don’t need to go to great lengths to prove your political correctness. Nobody earns cool points for being all Captain Obvious about the fact Jews spend Christmas Day at the real movies instead of watching the Christmas Story marathon drunk on their mom’s couch.

We’re worship at the church of fun times!

5. The New Years Card. Actually, this one gets a pass. So what if you decide to wait until January to spread a little cheer, or maybe you want to send a Valentine’s card to everyone you know. I’d much prefer that to getting an actual Christmas card in the mail on Boxing Day.

Hey, why wait? Send them now!

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  • I LOVE this. Some of the holiday letters I have received in the past are so gag inducing I needed an air sickness bag while reading. Life is perfect, kids are perfect, blah blah blah.....Fun read!

  • In reply to Teppi Jacobsen:

    Oh I know I'm the worst. At least I know it though, right? RIGHT? Err . . .

  • In reply to Teppi Jacobsen:

    On the other hand you wouldn't want to hear: "Mr. has been out of work since March and we find ourselves ranging from tense to outright hostile over the money issue. Bee's lazy eye doesn't seem to be responding to treatment so we're looking at decorative eye patches. Buh-Stell failed the 3rd (again) but we're hopeful! We spent our summer vacation visiting Uncle Rando in prison downstate. His lawyers are working on the appeal but in the meantime we've taken in his destitute wife and children. It's a tight squeeze in our two-bedroom condo but you know what they say about the more the merrier!"

  • In reply to Christine Whitley:

    Ha! Yeah! I've never actually written one of those letters (I think it was a thing in the 80's?) but I could write a doozy of one now.
    Dear everyone, merry Christmas! In February I endured 24 hours of excruciation labor and spent 125 agonizing minutes pushing a head out of my vagina. I did not sleep until summer. My other child refuses to gain weight but loves to bite. My husband has been home for a total of seven dinners. This fall I spent my birthday crying into margaritas because I was targeted by a radical hate group. We are now in the process of getting our home ready to put on the market because we feel we are no longer safe. Also, we're heading out to see my mom for Thanksgiving, a woman who has spoken to me exactly twice since last year. MERRY FUCKING HOLIDAYS!


    Kidding aside, I'm very happy and grateful but holiday cards can be deceiving. Everyone has problems!

  • @GWill, you are getting a temporary ban. Would you say that to my face? Because you'll see me at one of these events soon enough and that will be interesting. I'm a real bitch in person.

  • Almost everything I say on ChicagoNow I cannot possibly say in person. At the same time, I have said things in person that I wouldn't say on ChicagoNow. But to answer your question directly, no, since you've given me a clear heads up.

  • #4 definitely! Everyone is covered and nobody can post mean, awful, and untrue things on the internet. Everyone wins!

  • In reply to zoomama:

    You are completely right. I put my kids pictures up for this post because I didn't think I had any creepos. I guess I was wrong. You win, World! We should all just lock ourselves in our homes and quiver in fear!

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