Eff this Elf: Terrible ideas for your Elf on the Shelf

I debated whether The Elf on the Shelf was cool or creepy, but after my Facebook friends stirred my jealousy with their Elf pictures, I caved and bought the sucker.

He was just as creepy as I imagined and for $30, should have had a better paint job. Also, why isn’t this thing pliable? You’re supposed to pose him doing tricks, yet he sits in a perm-squat. Half my ideas are shelved right there.

Further, my evil genius toddler is not buying it. I tried to get her all excited like LOOKIE! SANTA’S ELF!!! What ever will you name him!?!?! She was more deadpan than Steven Wright and goes, “No idea. I don’t know what that thing is”.

Come on, kid. Look alive.

But it’s an Elf! From Santa’s house! He must have followed us ho-“

“Nah, it would have been here last year.”

Well whoopee elfin da. I can see we have a cynic in the house. Two can play this, kid. With the limited options of an elf with his knees sewn together and a jaded two-year-old, I have considered entertaining my dark side for the next 30 days. Here are my awful, wonderful adult ideas for the Elf on the Shelf.

1. Blender elf! Oh noooooo! It’s the Mr. Bill of little Christmas people! AHhhh!


2. Knife diving Elf! Yes, this is is terrible. But elves do fly, no? And maybe they take a wrong turn into some knives.


3. Potty Elf. No visual. He was thirty stinkin’ bucks, I’m not really going to float him face-down in a toilet. But maybe you’re that evil mom who will? Other ideas for drown elf include Bath Time Whoops and Sink Mistake. Interpret as you see fit.

4. Drinking Elf. Hey, he’s gotta relax somehow after a long day of staring and snitching. Bonus: “Cockburns” + Marcus-Bachman-seeming elf = mild chuckle. This little snort might be better with an airplane-sized bottle of hooch propped up with a toothpick, but I’m a lazy entertainer.


5. Clove Cigarette Elf. This one hangs out in the Philosophy department and listens to The Cure.


6. Slutty Slut Elf. I was going to pose this one dirtier, then it dawned on me that I found Barbie in this attire in the play room. How is this a toy? I guess after all those Cockburn jokes and gore, I’m switching to prude mode, but seriously. Barbie is kind of a whore.


That’s all I got. And before you send me hate mail or put me on a registry, of course I won’t be murdering the Elf with ketchup where my kids can see. HUFF. I can’t believe I have to say things like that.


Come for the Elf, stay for the blonde un-jokes and inflaming theater reviews. Or just find me and the ten people who mildly like me on Facebook.

Update  – Here are 7 more ideas, now that we’re more sophisticated in 2012.

Filed under: Grinch the season, How-To


Leave a comment
  • Love love love this post. I read it out loud to Joseph and we just laughed and laughed.

  • In reply to mjp:

    I wish I had a bong for him to smoke or maybe a candy necklace/pacifier/retro rave accessories for him to don. What else? Bondage and S&M gear? Adult diaper fetish? I can do this all day.

  • This was hilarious and I was just about to buy this thing for my 3 yo and 5 yo. My husband and I were already preplanning devious things for him to do...Barbie is my favorite b/c she is ALWAYS in a compromising nude position in our house.

  • In reply to Beth Rago:

    Dude. That freshly-frolicked hair and boobies that WILL NOT keep a top on? Let's give Barbie the benefit of the doubt and say she's a radical feminist exercising her right to stick it to the man. Otherwise, she's a garden trollop.

  • B is so smart it hurts:) I am thinking world domination may be in her future.

  • In reply to zoomama:

    Thank you! She's not into the magical aspects of Christmas, but she still LOVES it. She's more about stringing popcorn, singing carols and admiring the Christmas tree. Also, she loves the Grinch. So you might not be far off with the world domination.

  • Well, at least your elf has some game. Not that Barbie was satisfied with her blonde gelding, Ken.

  • fb_avatar

    I loathe those elves, but after reading this post, I loathe them a teeeeeeensy bit less :)

  • fb_avatar

    I love this post.

  • fb_avatar

    I'm DYING. I want the Elf, but I could see him in all sorts of compromising positions until my toddler would be old enough to notice :-) hehehehehe. Love it.

  • fb_avatar

    This is hillarious. My husband and I will be eagerly awaiting kid bedtime just to get our hands on Moe Zingo...oh, that's our elf's name....
    Thanks for posting!

  • fb_avatar

    That is so funny. Daniel didn't buy that elf either. Last year the first thing he said when it showed up was "That's not a real elf." Nothing could convince him it was. This year after the "Elf on a Shelf" met with an unfortunate accident... (Well we are assuming since he is so creepy looking. But he's missing and god knows I wanted to do him harm. Maybe one of the voices in my head???) We discovered Christopher Pop-in-Kins. How the rip-off “looks like someone you would not trust alone around your child” elf got so famous when this elf has been around longer, has a better story, is 100 times cuter and can be posed in so many ways - including standing, as opposed to being stitched into an unnatural position and is so much better is one the great mysteries of the world. (By the way I cut the hands apart last year, so I could at least do a little more with the blasted thing.) Or maybe it’s just advertising. I mean I never hear of either until last year and I only stumbled across Christopher a few days before Thanksgiving this year. If it hadn’t been for him we were going to buy any elf but the one that we had gotten last year and pass him off as Daniel’s elf. I’ve had so much fun this year and Daniel hasn’t expressed any doubt at all that his elf is a real elf.

  • I caved to pressure and bought one of these guys yesterday. He is still in the truck as I am unsure whether I really want to go the whole elf route.

  • OMG, love this. You did everything I would have done had I ever purchased the thing. And then some. I've got an old bag of naked Barbies from when my girls were little. Next year we could stage an Elf/Barbie orgy. Possibilities.

Leave a comment