I debated whether The Elf on the Shelf was cool or creepy, but after my Facebook friends stirred my jealousy with their Elf pictures, I caved and bought the sucker.
He was just as creepy as I imagined and for $30, should have had a better paint job. Also, why isn’t this thing pliable? You’re supposed to pose him doing tricks, yet he sits in a perm-squat. Half my ideas are shelved right there.
Further, my evil genius toddler is not buying it. I tried to get her all excited like LOOKIE! SANTA’S ELF!!! What ever will you name him!?!?! She was more deadpan than Steven Wright and goes, “No idea. I don’t know what that thing is”.
Come on, kid. Look alive.
But it’s an Elf! From Santa’s house! He must have followed us ho-“
“Nah, it would have been here last year.”
Well whoopee elfin da. I can see we have a cynic in the house. Two can play this, kid. With the limited options of an elf with his knees sewn together and a jaded two-year-old, I have considered entertaining my dark side for the next 30 days. Here are my awful, wonderful adult ideas for the Elf on the Shelf.
1. Blender elf! Oh noooooo! It’s the Mr. Bill of little Christmas people! AHhhh!
2. Knife diving Elf! Yes, this is is terrible. But elves do fly, no? And maybe they take a wrong turn into some knives.
3. Potty Elf. No visual. He was thirty stinkin’ bucks, I’m not really going to float him face-down in a toilet. But maybe you’re that evil mom who will? Other ideas for drown elf include Bath Time Whoops and Sink Mistake. Interpret as you see fit.
4. Drinking Elf. Hey, he’s gotta relax somehow after a long day of staring and snitching. Bonus: “Cockburns” + Marcus-Bachman-seeming elf = mild chuckle. This little snort might be better with an airplane-sized bottle of hooch propped up with a toothpick, but I’m a lazy entertainer.
5. Clove Cigarette Elf. This one hangs out in the Philosophy department and listens to The Cure.
6. Slutty Slut Elf. I was going to pose this one dirtier, then it dawned on me that I found Barbie in this attire in the play room. How is this a toy? I guess after all those Cockburn jokes and gore, I’m switching to prude mode, but seriously. Barbie is kind of a whore.
That’s all I got. And before you send me hate mail or put me on a registry, of course I won’t be murdering the Elf with ketchup where my kids can see. HUFF. I can’t believe I have to say things like that.
Update – Here are 7 more ideas, now that we’re more sophisticated in 2012.