Professionally tailored sweatpants?

I’m married to a shiny guy. He carries a man purse and secures the crisp in his shirts with personalized brass collar stays. This is why I was very amused this evening when he announced he had purchased sweatpants. Sweatpants?

We’re just not casual people, see. Yoga pants are as low as I go and I drink pink lemonade from a wine glass. Niko insists on eating his snacks at the dining room table. Hello! We have a chandelier on our deck. The whole fashion wave of calculated nonchalance with the sneakers and whatnot? Completely lost on us. We’re perpetually, comically, dorkishly fancy.

Maybe we are dorks. But we’re sure as hell not wearing sweatpants. Aren’t sweatpants for people who don’t take showers? For depressed shut-ins who smell like pee or hungover college girls on their period who show up to class with crust in their eyes? Or for really athletic types who drip sweat and pump iron. Bleh. I wore heels every day of my life until I gave birth, so you can see I’m not really into the whole “sweatpants” culture, but I digress. This is about my husband. The one who manscapes with a $500 electric tool, also engraved with his name. He’s the Laverne, I’m the Shirley.

When I mentioned this, he said the sweatpants are “for the house”. Well so are the arty paintings and the fussy furniture but they’re not made of gray  “sweatpant material”? What is that stuff anyway? It’s like foam.

After strutting around the living room a few minutes he muttered something about the tailor. Yes, my husband is having a pair of $9.99 sweatpants professionally altered. Ah, there’s the man I know.

These are a DON’T. Even alone in your own home, in your own bed with the lights off on a Tuesday night in January when you have the flu. Don’t.


Filed under: You fancy


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  • They're just something comforting about a pair of foamy, warm sweats. You'll be jealous come winter time!

  • In reply to theneek:

    No, I think you saw me getting my maternity clothes out of storage and got jealous. These 9 months are not a license for you to wear stretchy pants!

  • haha that's too funny! I love your fanciness! Have you ever seen Pushing Daisies? I can totally see you wearing some of her outfits - complete with big hat! :)

  • In reply to ClaireB:

    Hm, I'll have to google that. I hope Pushing Daisies isn't about old people. But who am I kidding, I've been old since childhood.

  • No matter how tailored they are there is not, and never will be, anything OK with sweatpants. Couldn't he have just bought a pair of pajama pants instead?

  • In reply to Chohenzy:


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