Our president-to-be loves high ratings. They’re the only numbers he appears to understand. They are the only language he speaks. You know he’s hoping for record ratings this Friday when he’s sworn in as no-longer PEOTUS. He’s probably already got the tweets written. You know he’s going to publish them anyway, even if the ratings are lower than, well, season ten of The Apprentice.
We can’t do anything right now about the fact that he’s going to be handed the keys to the country this week (nor can we, unless we’re a Nielsen household, do much about affecting the ratings. Although maybe make sure your cable boxes are on and turned to the Food Network or something, just to be sure. Who knows how these things work? Magic?), but we can hold our own private protests from the comfort of our own couches, treadmills, or desk chairs. We can watch other things.
During the actual inauguration, I will be in a place with no TV and no computers (those places exist!), so missing the swearing-in is just what’s happening. It’s not even my decision. And, no, I will not be DVR-ing it.
But when I get home, I will not be watching the news. I will not be watching the ball with all the fancy ladies who bought out all the dress shops in Washington, DC. I’ll be watching shows and movies that I know would piss him off if he knew I were watching them instead of his spectacular golden spectacle. (He probably will know. Hi, cyber spies! Hi, Barron!)
Here are some options to really stick it to the man, at least in your own head:
Postcards from the Edge: Not only does this movie star the recent burr on Trump’s butt, Meryl Streep, but it was written by the late, great Ms. Carrie Fisher. Watch this movie in support of Meryl’s freedom to speak her mind and in support of those who suffer from mental illness and may lose their healthcare if and when the ACA is repealed/fucked with. (You can find it on Starz On Demand, among other places, like your local Blockbuster. Oh, wait. Those don’t exist.)
Exit to Eden: Nothing would be more offensive to our orange overlord than to know you were watching Rosie O’Donnell dressed as a dominatrix while he was being inaugurated. (This movie is tough to find. Check your local library now, before it ceases to exist.)
Southside With You: Watch the fictionalization of Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date on the day Trump takes office. Something tells me we won’t be seeing the same romantic retelling of the time Donald met Melania in eight years: “Here’s my number.” “Aren’t you married?” “So?” (Available on Netflix DVD or to rent/purchase on iTunes.)
Selma: A story about people who refused to wait to for a government that was moving too slowly toward progress and stood up for what was right. The film also features Stephan James as John Lewis, whom you might remember as Trump’s most recent (as of this post) Twitter feud-ee. (You can stream it on Amazon.)
Hate Rising: This is a documentary that was reported on by Univision anchor Jorge Ramos, who was once thrown out of a Trump presser. It takes a look at how hate played a role in this election. Hahaha, no it didn’t! (Yes, it did.) (You can watch it here.)
True Lies: Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is the new host of the–failing!–Celebrity Apprentice, for which Donald Trump still draws an executive producer’s salary, is married to an age-appropriate woman! Scandal! (Available on Starz On Demand)
Gremlins 2: The New Batch: John Glover plays a better (and more likable) Trump than Trump in the sequel to the original. (Available on Netflix DVD or to stream on Amazon or On Demand)
I wrote a book! It’s YA novel, THE SOUND OF US. You can find the details right here! Kirkus calls it “a winning story about a teenage voice student that hits all the right notes.”
I also wrote another book (You’ve Got Mail in the Pokemon Go era), which comes out in a month. You can add it on Goodreads!
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