Patricide, matricide, fratricide, fratricide.
All things that actually did happen in this episode and can happen in anyone’s home at any time.
Also there was amateur corpse resurrection, which is something you probably did tonight before Sunday supper.
The titular “Home” comes out of one character’s mouth, but really everyone in this episode is dealing with “home” in some form or another. Home is where the heart is. Home is where you lay your head. Home is where you hang your hat. Home is where you keep your pack of hangry dogs who have a taste for human flesh.
Let’s check in with the team, shall we?
BRAN!: Yes, that exclamation point was a leeeetle facetious, but not totally. The whole warg-in-the-woods storyline has never been my favorite, especially now that cutie-pie Jojen got himself dead, but there is potential for Bran’s story here. I don’t know if we’ll actually see him “do” anything. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Meera’s whole role this season consists of telling Bran they need to leave the woods while he ignores her and goes back inside the tree. Meera wants to cut and run. The three-eyed raven thinks there’s a war coming, and that Bran will play an important part in that. The raven’s lackey (“Some Girl,” we’ll call her for now) believes Bran can’t be the leader he needs to be without Meera. And Meera says, “Pbffft.”
But back to Bran, whose storyline this season is shaping up to be a bunch of flashbacks. The three-eyed raven is Dumbledore and the old tree is his pensieve. This is not a complaint! In Bran’s first vision he goes HOME to Winterfell and gets to see his dad (Ned Stark) as a young kid, practicing his swordsmanship with the perpetually missing Uncle Benjen. Hodor also shows up (and he can talk! And his name was Willis–maybe Willys or Wyllis? Either way, I want Bran to ask him, “What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” And I want Hodor to answer, “Hodor.”)
In Bran’s flashback, we also got to see–fanfare!–Leanna Stark as a young girl. Bran remembers her from the crypt. We all remember her from how Robert Baratheon loved her and also how R+L=J. It looks like we’re going to see more of this story next week, and I am looking forward to it.
The Wall: Well, that escalated quickly. And it ended pretty quickly, too. For all the handwringing about Alliser Thorne coming back at dusk to either let Davos and friends go or put them in jail or make them dead, it didn’t happen. Against all odds, because traveling anywhere in this series usually takes a punishingly long time, Dolorous Edd managed to leave Castle Black, go to the Wildling camp, convince them to come with him, eat a snack, and get back to the Wall at EXACTLY the right second to thwart Thorne’s murder of Jon’s faithful crows. The wildling’s giant friend dispatched quickly with one dude and the rest of the brave men on the Wall dropped their weapons. Davos arrested them all and threw them in the dungeon, which is where they all belong. HOME.
Well, that might have been a stretch to shoehorn the theme in there. But seriously, fuck Olly and I hope he rots in his cell. I hope it’s his final HOME.
But there was more on the Wall, obviously. Davos went to his old nemesis, Melisandre, and begged her to try and bring Jon Snow back to life with her shadow-baby-making, poison-drinky-surviving ways. He butters her right up and she goes down to the room where they’ve been keeping the dead lord commander on a slab. She says some stuff, cuts some hair (I have to think Kit Harington was really enjoying the filming of this scene), wipes off some blood, and NOTHING. Everyone leaves. Ghost stirs, and Jon wakes up! HOME. Cut to black.
King’s Landing: While the Hound was Joffrey’s dog, his reanimated brother, Ser Robert Strong, is Cersei’s. He’s going around town, bashing in the heads (literally) of anyone who poked fun at her during her walk of SHAME.
Cersei is also being kept in the Red Keep for some reason, and Tommen won’t let her visit her dead daughter in the sept. Probably he doesn’t want her and his father-uncle boning in front of this sibling’s corpse. But also, he doesn’t want her to get arrested again, so he thinks hiding his mother in the Keep will keep the high sparrow away. Jaime tells him this is stupid and he should just KING UP and apologize to his mother already. Tommen’s in a good position to receive her forgiveness. He’s is her actual last living child. That has to count for something. Cersei hugs him and sings “I Will Always Love You” to her son. HOME.
Jaime sticks around in the temple and talks to the high sparrow about how the high sparrow sucks balls. The sparrow thinks they should agree to disagree. Then a score of sparrow henchmen come out of the woodwork. The sparrow is all, “You have so many moneys, you stupid Lannister. We have nothing, no money, no names, yet look at us overthrow an empire.” Then the sparrow drops the mic, walks out, and leaves Jaime standing there like he has no good hands and only the rumored half-inch dick in his trousers.
Meereen: Dragons. Whatcha gonna do? That was the theme of this week’s Meereen segment. Well, they also touched on what’s not in Varys’s pants. And Grey Worm’s. Eunuchs, they’re not like us!
Anyway, the dragons are wasting away in the dungeons, so Tyrion (who knows all about how dragons die if they’re kept in captivity) goes down to see them. He claims that dragons know who their friends are. So he sweet talks the ones who are not Drogon, and they fall for it. They fall for it so hard, it’s almost like Tyrion’s a common Targaryen, and not a Lannister at all! (At least not full Lannister.) He sure seemed right at HOME with those dragons, and they with him. Hmmm…
Braavos: Arya’s back with her buddy Jaqen H’ghar! HOME again, HOME again, jiggity-jog. She got beaten up by the Waif (again), and said her name was no one (again), which the Waif didn’t like, but for some reason THIS TIME Jaqen was cool with what Arya did and asked her to come with him. So. I don’t know, whatever. I’m just glad she’s off the streets and maybe we don’t have to endure another one of these waif fights.
Winterfell: Holy mother of fuck. I knew Ramsay was going to kill his new baby brother (and poor, sweet Fat Walda, too). The’ve been telegraphing that for episodes. But I did NOT see him killing Roose. That was a shocker to me. I don’t know why. Ramsay kills literally everyone he meets (or tries to, at least), and he wants to be Lord of Winterfell. HARD. One can’t be lord if one’s lord father is still breathing. So. Dead Bolton. It’s the way it has to be. Those dogs (which, how did they get back to Winterfell after the Brienne fight of last episode?) have been well-fed in season six.
Now Ramsay is the official lord, but his situation is a bit precarious still, since he’s a Bolton and not a Stark. He’s going to have to court the houses in the north and wipe out the remaining Starks–Sansa, Jon, maybe Arya. He apparently doesn’t know about Bran (or does he? Did Reek tell him?) And no one ever mentions Rickon. Come on, guys! Rickon Stark is the key to the WHOLE THING. Why does no one see that?
The North: Sansa and her merry band are trying to start a fire or whatever. Brienne tells Sansa she saw Arya back in the day with A GUY (THE HOUND! Squee! Love! #Sansdor forever!) Theon gets all emotional about how he’d love to protect Sansa, but Jon will kill him at the Wall on sight. So he’s going HOME. (Cue the Daughtry song.)
The Iron Islands: Remember these guys? I didn’t thinks so. The old dude is Theon’s dad, Balon Greyjoy. The girl person is Yara, his sister. The other dude on the bridge, the Kilo Ren of this episode, if you will, is one of Balon’s brothers and Yara’s uncle. I guess it’s Aeron, because he’s all religious and shit. Also young. (Or Euron? Honestly the Greyjoy uncles always bled together to me.)
Now that Balon is dead (the final king standing in the war of five kings) the Iron Islands need to pick a new king. They’ll do this in a “kingsmoot” and hopefully it will be more compelling onscreen than it was in the book. Yara wants the job, but no person with lady parts has ever been elected before in a kingsmoot. Also, her brother Theon is on his way back HOME so her claim to the throne might be, well, moot.
Read this week’s Winners and Losers post here!
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