Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to “stimulate their genitals.” I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.
— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) April 13, 2016
Your campaign for president cannot start the day you announce your candidacy. Ask Donald Trump about that. He’s learning that lesson right now.
It’s probably not a bad idea to start acting like you’re running for president the day you start school. No, not college. Preschool. How many of you still remember embarrassing stuff your classmates did when back when you were four or five? Everybody does, right? You can still remember who peed their pants and who barfed all over their desk, and it covered the entire thing, and when that person posts a picture of his new baby on Facebook, you’re all, “I still remember what your vomit looked like.”
If this dude ever ran for president, I’d be obligated to go to the press and tell John Kass or someone about how Timmy* couldn’t get to the bathroom on time.
See? It pays to start thinking about this stuff early.
Ted Cruz, who seemingly has been running for office since he moved to the States from his hometown of Calgary, lacked a little foresight in this regard.
His freshman year college roommate is out to get him. He’s been putting Cruz on blast for quite a while now, spilling every kind of bean in existence. Some people have come forward to back him up, but still. You don’t do this to a guy who was only moderately objectionable. I’m pretty sure this is the lethal combination of A) Cruz’s super wingnutty positions on absolutely everything and B) Ted Cruz is simply a punchable dick.
You knew Ted Cruz in college. I knew Ted Cruz in college. We all knew Ted Cruz in college. He was the guy you’d shut the door on when you saw him coming down the hall. He was the guy who always drank your beer and never brought his own. He was the guy who’d pelt you with turtle shell after turtle shell while playing MarioKart.
That guy is running for president.
I completely get the impulse to tell all the tales. In fact, I love hearing them, because they ring so true. Also, because Ted Cruz is a punchable dick and all of this confirms every negative thought I ever had about the guy.
But then I started thinking about my own freshman roommate. And what she might have to say about me. Dun-dun-dun.
It was almost comical that we ended up roommates in the first place. Her: Super Christian, early-to-bed-early-to-riser, pharmacy major, serious older boyfriend at home. Me: Catholic-ish, excited about the social aspects of college, music major, broke up with my boyfriend pretty early in the year.
I was constantly tiptoeing in at all hours of the night while she was sleeping. She was constantly tiptoeing out at the ungodly hour of 6 AM to workout and get her school on.
She was also going home every weekend to see the boyfriend (and she’d *conveniently* forget to turn her alarm off before she left EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND)
I heard from my cousin at another Indiana school who heard from a friend of my roommate that she was telling everyone what a bitch I was, which, considering her super Christian-ness, doesn’t seem like her, but who knows. Maybe she hated me that much. All I know is that I came back from winter break that year to find her moving out. FOREVER.
To be fair to me, I had never lived with anyone before, and I was not good at it. To be fair to her, I had filled out my college roommate survey back in high school when I was an early riser and when I felt like more of a homebody. I wasn’t who she expected and she wasn’t who I needed.
So I’m starting a Super PAC right now to raise money to pay her off before I announce my candidacy for the 2024 election. It’s the smart thing to do.
*To be clear, not a real person.
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