Looks like Game of Thrones blew all its Mother’s Mercy dollars on CGI-ing Lena Headey’s face on some naked lady’s body. That’s why we got to see so little of Stannis’s war against the Boltons. Way to budget, show.
This was the Season Five finale and we didn’t get the Mother’s Mercy Lady Stoneheart ending we were all hoping for since last season’s finale. Instead we got a whole lot of cliffhangers and a long walk. Let’s check in with everyone, shall we?
Arya: First the most disconnected of all the stories. Arya put on a little girl’s face (the girl who she talked to that one day by the fountain, the girl to whom she told the bullshit story about her dad?) and “seduced” Meryn Trant at the brothel. She killed him, as we knew she would, in spectacular fashion, then returned to the house of black and white.
Jaquen and the Waif were waiting for her in the hall of faces. They were not pleased that she killed someone the many-faced god didn’t want her to kill. (How does the many-faced god make his desires known or is it just Jaqen pulling the strings?) Jaquen teaches her a lesson, not unlike the George Bluth/Jay Walter Weatherman lessons. Always kill the right guy, or your mentor might pretend to poison himself.
The Waif and Jaqen decide Arya’s not ready to be a faceless person and they blind her. And…that’s it.
Tyrion: He and Jorah are bickering now for some reason. I thought they were besties by this point, but whatever. Also, there was no explanation given for how the two of them, plus Daario and Messandei, escaped the Sons of the Harpy in the stadium. After Dany flew off, did everyone just give up and go home? Fight over? Dany’s remaining brain trust decides that they need to go find Dany. Jorah and Daario are the most well-equipped to go on the road, so Tyrion is left to keep the peace with Messadei and her boyfriend, Grey Worm-Come-Lately. Oh, and Varys, who somehow magically teleported to the city, no questions asked. Believe me, I’m not questioning it. I’m glad to have Varys back.
Dany: She’s in a meadow with Drogon the Dragon, who is injured and doesn’t want to fly anywhere. And now Dany’s in the middle of a bunch of riders, a new khalasar. Will they welcome her with open arms? We shall see. Meereen, shmeereen. When the going gets tough, Dany flies the fuck away on a dragon. That’s called being a queen.
Jaime: Jaime, Myrcella, and Trystane are heading back from Dorne. Ellaria gives Myrcella a long, lingering kiss on the lips, which I figured was just how they roll in Dorne, but no. It was poison. Just as Jaime and Myrcella share their first real father/daughter moment, Myrcella’s nose starts bleeding and she collapses. Is she dead? WE DON’T KNOW, but probably.
Ellaria is fine, so don’t worry your precious heart about her. She takes the antidote and all the Sand Snakes live to die another day THANK GODS. Because the writers all know how much we love the Sand Snakes. (Short-haired one telling Bronn that she might come visit him in King’s Landing feels like a threat TO ALL OF US.)
Stannis: Nothing is coming up Stannis. Melisandre’s plan to burn Shireen worked only in that it caused the weather to warm up (or maybe that could’ve been a coincidence). Half of Stannis’s army has defected and his wife, so distraught over the death of the daughter she never loved, hanged herself in the woods. Ramsay’s army runs circles around Stannis and, when he finds himself still alive at the end of the battle, his brother’s old knight, Brienne of Tarth, shows up an maybe kills him. What she actually does to him is UNCLEAR. Until I see Stannis dead, I will not believe he’s dead. Not my first Game of Thrones season.
Sansa: With Ramsay off fighting Stannis, Sansa sees her chance for escape. She uses Chekhov’s corkscrew to unlock her door, and she puts a candle in the tower that no one sees. When she notices the fight happening below her, she decides to make a break for it, but Reek and Myranda stop her. Myranda has plans to maim her, leaving her baby making parts in tact. Just as she shoots the arrow, Reek pushes Myranda out of the way and throws her to her death. Sansa and Reek grab hands and jump off the wall of Winterfell to their…death…freedom? Who knows. RESULTS ARE UNCLEAR, because that’s the name of the game in this episode.
Also there was no Petyr Baelish. Where’s my Littlefinger? I hope he’s headed to Meereen. Tyrion + Littlefinger + Varys = Everything
Cersei: She finally confesses a little. She admits that she slept with Lancel. In order to atone, she has to walk naked through the streets of King’s Landing, from the sept to the Red Keep. This is a very long, needlessly long scene. I guess it really paints the picture of how humiliating and humbling this whole ordeal was for Cersei, but really I think it was HBO or the producers using this opportunity to give us ten full minutes of full-frontal nudity, which, gross. But hey, there was a penis or two along the way.
Jon: His best buddy has left for the Citadel with his lady friend and her baby. Jon Snow is friendless at the Wall. And the men of the Night’s Watch know it. They trick him into leaving his office by telling him a wildling knows where to find Jon’s long-lost Uncle Benjen, and Jon falls for it. Instead of a wildling, he finds a sign bearing the word “Traitor.” One by one, starting with Alliser Thorne and ending with that fucker Olly, the black brothers stab Jon with the words, “For the watch.” Jon is left in the snow, a puddle of blood forming beneath him. Is he dead? WE DON’T KNOW. (And we don’t know in the books either. I will say, however, that whenever GRRM tries to pull the “Has this POV character died at the end of his chapter?” cliffhanger it always turns out to be a fake out. Take solace in that.)
Maybe Melisandre being back at the Wall will have something to do with Jon’s resurrection? Though considering how royally she fucked things up for Stannis, I don’t think we want her backing the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.
- Maester Qyburn is the cutest with how much he cares about Cersei, and his new kingsguard knight, Robert Strong, is terrifying and awesome.
What did you think of the finale?
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