This title is making me think of black and white cookies. I’m not sure why that’s important, BUT IT IS.
This week we met some new friends, touched base with some old ones, and said goodbye to that one guy we kept mistaking for Grey Worm.
Let’s check in with everyone, shall we?
Braavos: Arya Stark is back! She’s off the boat and she’s in Braavos, looking for someone to take her in. Her ship buddy told her that the House of Black and White would welcome her, so she went there. The man at the door turned her away. So she spent a few days sitting on the stairs, reciting her list of people who got to get got, namely Cersei, the Mountain, Ser Meryn Trant, and Walder Frey. Her list is down to four people, and the Hound is no longer one of them. Did she take him off the list because she no longer wants him dead or because she thinks he’s already dead? Was he already off the list before they parted ways last season? I can’t recall.
Eventually, the dude does let her into the house because of course he does. He gives her back her discarded Valar Morghulis coin and his face turns into that of Jaqen H’ghar, whose sexy visage we were sadly without all last season. Welcome back, a man who claims not to be Jaqen H’ghar, but a man who looks a lot like Jaqen H’ghar.
The Road: Brienne and Pod stop for dinner where Pod flirts with a serving wench, who would’ve been A LOT more attentive if she had known about Podrick’s prowess. The two of them see a familiar face in the dining hall. It’s Petyr Baelish, and who happens to be with him? Sansa Stark. Brienne can’t even contain herself, and she runs up and tries to coax Sansa into coming with her. Petyr Baelish does his Littlefinger thing and makes Brienne out to be an incompetent, potentially murderous crazy person. Sansa, however, doesn’t need to be convinced. She saw Brienne kneel in front of Joffrey. That’s all the evidence she needs to know that Brienne is not someone she can trust. Also, it’s such a teenager thing to go against your own mother’s wishes.
Brienne and Pod escape the inn and kill some of Baelish’s knights in the process. Instead of giving up on her quest now that both Stark girls have told her to get bent, Brienne decides to keep following Sansa and Littlefinger, just to see what’s up with that.
King’s Landing: Cersei is basically acting like Tommen either doesn’t exist or is lying in a coma somewhere. She starts appointing new maesters and masters. Lord Tyrell is giddy about his new job as arbiter of coin, but Uncle Kevan sees right through her nonsense, brushing her off with a dismissive, “I’ll be at Casterly Rock.” I like that Uncle Kevan.
Cersei is also concerned about Myrcella’s fate in Dorne. Jaime decides to man up and see how his offspring is doing down there with all of Oberyn Martell’s relatives. Oh, and he’s taking Bronn with him. (The Jaime and Bronn road trip spectacular is not in the books, but I’m a fan of this pairing.)
Dorne: Basically this scene served to remind us that Dorne exists. Doran Martell is Oberyn’s brother and the Dornish prince. He’s frail and in a wheelchair. Oberyn’s girlfriend, Ellaria Sand, is not pleased with how Doran has handled Oberyn’s death. She wants REVENGE, because obviously she’s from Dorne. The Sand Snakes (Oberyn’s bastard daughters, whom we haven’t met yet) are on her side. Doran, for his part, does not want to send bits of Myrcella back to her mother bit by bit. He thinks Oberyn died a fair death during trial by combat.
Meereen: It’s hard out here for a queen. Daario and Grey Worm manage to track down one of the Sons of the Harpy. They bring him in for “questioning,” and Dany decides to put him on trial, because that’s what good leaders do. The law is the law. Ser Barristan warns her to be careful, that her mad king father doled out justice the way he saw fit, and then he died, Jill. Dany, of course, sticks to her guns.
The guy who’s not Grey Worm, but who looks exactly like Grey Worm, goes to visit the prisoner and kills him. Then he hangs his body in public with a sign urging everyone to kill the masters. Dany’s hands are tied (at least that’s the way she sees it), and she brings Not Grey Worm into the town square to execute him. On the way out there, the people cheer for her. After she has Daario kill Not Grey Worm, they hiss at her. They actually his. This makes Dany sad, because she wants to be beloved and damn it wasn’t her abolishing slavery enough? Luckily for her, her missing dragon shows up right at the end to visit his mommy.
On the Road to Meereen: Tyrion is still drinking himself to death and Varys is still trying to puff him up and get him to believe in himself. Varys says a whole thing about how because people find him and Tyrion repulsive, they allow themselves to be put in boxes. But people like Varys and Tyrion don’t like to stay boxed for long. A hero will rise.
The Wall: Shireen is teaching Gilly how to read, because Shireen knows phonics. Gilly is continuing to harp on Sam for every little thing. Go away, Gilly. Selyse shows up for a second to show us what a terrible, mean mother she is.
Jon Snow is offered Winterfell in exchange for getting the north folk to follow Stannis. Jon realizes that this has always been a dream of his, to rule Winterfell, but he also knows he can’t take the job because HONOR. Lucky for Jon, however, a lordship is still in his grasp. Sam nominates him to be the 998th Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and he wins! There is much rejoicing.
- On a serious note, Jaime has never looked hotter.
- Something something Podrick can’t control his horses something not knowing what to do with his giant wang.
- Sansa asking Littlefinger if alcohol gives him courage. Girl, please.
- The new Grand Maester Qyburn wants to do experiments on all the dwarf heads that are flooding into King’s Landing thanks to Cersei’s promise of a title to whoever brings her Tyrion’s head. Qyburn’s a real special guy.
- Greyscale sounds like a real bitch and I think I might have it.
- Arya killing that bird. Dude.
What did you think of this episode? Are you as excited as I am to see Ramsay “Snow” Bolton next week?
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