Tonight was the penultimate episode of the first half of the fifth season of The Walking Dead. That’s a mouthful. Unlike Game of Thrones, where the second to last episode of the season usually means Big Things, tonight’s Zombpocalypse hour was more about table setting for the finale and mixing up the chemistry.
Rick and friends are in Atlanta trying to save Carol and Beth, and holy shit did it take them no time at all to get there. Sometimes travel is very difficult on this show. Tonight was not one of those times. Daryl and Noah showed up a the church hoping Rick would help them take out Dawn and her Keystone cops, and Rick jumped. He, Tyreese, and Sasha were on the road in a flash and back in Atlanta even faster than that. The CW’s The Flash could take some lessons from Sheriff Rick and his buddies.
That leaves Michonne, Carl, Li’l Ass Kicker, and Father Gabriel Carver back at the church to hold down the fort. It also leaves GREATM on the road waiting for Eugene to wake up. What’s “GREATM,” you ask? It’s a dumb mishmash of the first initials of the Washington DC crew’s names that joke-meister Tara made up.
Let’s check in with all of the new pairings and see if there’s anything to ship. #shippingislife
Michonne, Fr. Gabriel, Carl, and Judith: If Rick gets capped in the finale (which I’m kind of expecting to happen for some reason; going on record), this could be the new nuclear family of The Walking Dead. I’m sorry, Richonne. You are no longer 4-EVA. I’m hopping on the Frichonne love train now. Gabrichonne? This love is so new I don’t even have a proper name for it.
Anyway, Rick and his buds cleaned out the church before they left, turning organ pipes into stakes and bashing pews because why not. This was not Fr. Carver’s favorite thing ever. He was a little bummed about how his church has become both a slaughter house and a kindling forest. He spent most of his time on screen shooting side eyes at Michonne, Carl, and, especially, Judith (except when he talked to Michonne and the two of them nearly set the remaining pews on fire with their burning hot love connection).
Just to shut him up, Fr. Carver took the machete Carl gave him and locked himself in his room, wherein he used the machete to pop the floorboards and escape into freedom. Only, not really, because he was immediately attacked by a zombie, whom he could not bring himself to kill. He’s also stepped on a nail, will probably lead to blood poisoning, which will lead to Carver going crazy and then dying and becoming a zombie. So don’t get used to him being around too much yet.
Glenn, Tara, and Rosita: Glenn went off with the girls to find water, leaving Maggie back at the firetruck with knocked out Eugene and catatonic Abraham. After it took Maggie and Glenn so long to find each other again, I don’t get how he can be so cavalier about leaving her. Maybe he just likes hanging out with the fun girls. Tara and Rosita are the good time twins. Tara likes to tell jokes and Rosita doesn’t mind having sex in front of other people.
We learn a little more about Rosita in this episode, like her name, which I forget every time I see her on screen until someone says it. She hooked up with Abraham in Dallas. He told her his group needed her. He needed her for what she could do. She had never felt so wanted. She wondered if Abraham had been bullshitting her like Eugene was bullshitting him. Glenn made it all better when he told Rosita that they needed her around to clean fish or some nonsense. Stop flirting, Glenn!
Maggie, Abraham, and Eugene: By the end of the episode, Eugene is waking up, which you knew he would because otherwise he would’ve been dead already.
Abraham, on the other hand, spent the entire episode behaving like a Grey’s Anatomy character. He was just like Izzy or whoever (I think every character on that show has had the chance to do this at least once) when she was trying to decide whether or not to go back to work at Seattle Grace or something and she spent literally the entire episode sitting still and not talking on a bench outside the hospital. I think Huck did this once on Scandal, as well. It’s a Shonda signature.
So, that’s how Abraham spent his episode. He tried to beat up Maggie at one point, but she pulled a gun on him and then she gave him a dressing down about how he’s not the only person in their group facing disappointment right now. That got Abraham to shut up some more and he kept staring off into the distance.
Carol and Beth: Carol’s in a coma. (I’m still holding out hope that she wakes up inside Eugene’s body and vice versa, Freaky Friday style.) Dawn, who I just don’t quite get yet, told one dude to pull the plug on Carol, but told Beth to give her some drugs to wake her up. Beth does this and now maybe Carol will wake up next week, I don’t know. They’re not going to kill Carol, probably. Again, like Eugene, if they were going to kill Carol, she’d be dead already. Rick, on the other hand…
Beth is still trying to navigate her way through whatever the Keystone cops are up to. She’s made friends with a George R.R. Martin look-alike, who’s willing to feign anaphylaxis in order to help her sneak drugs from the cabinet. She and the hipster doctor are still so obviously hot for each other. And Dawn’s impressed by her cojones. Everything’s coming up Beth.
Rick, Daryl, Tyreese, and Sasha (oh, and Noah): Rick has a plan. So does Tyreese, and Daryl takes his side. Let’s take prisoners. Let’s not kill anyone. We’re all human, we can work this out. Did they not learn anything from the cannibals and the Governor and the every other freaking person on this show?
The plan backfires (duh-doy) and the cops escape. Rick and Daryl manage to catch them (or some of them) again, with Daryl nearly getting zombie bit in the process. Stupid plan.
Sasha and New Bob: Sasha’s also behaving a bit like a Grey’s Anatomy character. She’s hitting pews with axes and she’s talking about how she should’ve been the one to stab Old Bob in the head before he turned, which whatever. Old Bob is gone. Long live New Bob.
New Bob is one of the Keystone cops (one of the good ones, says Noah, who I wouldn’t trust farther than I can throw him at this point). New Bob can somehow sense Sasha’s burning desire to love a man named Bob and he appeals to her need to prove herself able to step up to the plate, kill-wise. He tells her a sob story about a dude named Tyler who saved his life by going on a bus instead of him. The dead bus people are still out on the sidewalk, literally cooking in the sun. Sasha says she can shoot him. She releases him from the pole and he follows her to the window. As she lines up the shot, he head butts her, sending her head into the window, and her body onto the floor.
Stepping up is not all it’s cracked up to be, is it, Sasha?
- Damn it if I didn’t want to see a Carl/Fr. Gabriel training montage set to “Eye of the Tiger.”
- Rosita’s still taking Eugene’s word on science matters even though he lied to them about his smart brains?
- I have no idea what New Bob’s last name is. I heard “Lampson.” Bob Lampson. We’ll go with that.
What did you think of this episode? What will happen next week?
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