The Oscars are this Sunday. Will you be watching? Have you seen the movies? Are you one of the 67% of people who have seen zero of the nine Best Picture nominees? Why is that? Do you hate joy? Is going to the movies too expensive? Several of the movies are on Netflix/DVD/Blu-Ray by now. Your excuse is invalid, is what I’m saying.
Anyway. I’ll be watching. I’m always watching (I’ll even be tweeting, starting at the dawn of E!’s Red Carpet coverage. Join me there, will you?). I will devour every minute of this nonsense, even if the awards themselves are predictable, boring, and/or infuriating, even though American Hustle makes me want to gouge out my eyes. Even though Leo doesn’t have much chance of winning because he’s been a solid actor for thirty years and has never made How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (I secretly love How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days). Even though Bono is probably going to win for being Bono despite the fact that “Let It Go” is in his category.
History will be made, possibly. Even if “Let It Go” loses to Bono or Pharrell’s hat, Robert Lopez should be the latest person to EGOT (he’s also up for best score). Also, if you’re wondering, Walt Disney won the most Oscars in one night back in 1954. I was wondering myself, so that’s why this little tidbit.
But here’s the good stuff. Even if you haven’t seen the movies, even if you’re a monster who hates hate sparkly dresses and Ryan Seacrest, can I safely assume that you probably like booze? Strap on your wine cardigan. It’s time for the 2014 Academy Awards Drinking Game.
Drink one time if:
They show a reaction shot of George ClooneyApparently he’s not coming, damn it.
- They show a reaction shot of Brange, both of them. Together.
- They show a reaction shot of Meryl Streep
- They show a reaction shot of Bono and/or The Edge
- They show/mention Pharrell’s hat
- Someone mentions Amy Adams’s cleavage.
- Someone mentions Bradley Cooper’s perm.
- Some mentions Sandra Bullock’s legs.
- Someone alludes to ‘ludes.
- Someone alludes to Fassbender’s “package”
- “Hunger Games”
Drink twice if:
- Ellen Degeneres (or anyone else, really) attempts to “twerk”
- Someone makes a comment about the ages of the girls Leo and/or George date
- Someone says the words “Jordan Catalano”
- Idina Menzel’s voice cracks
- Someone cracks a joke about Shia LaBeouf or Alec Baldwin
- Someone mentions Harold Ramis or Philip Seymour Hoffman
Drain that sucker if:
- “All right, all right, all right.”
- Jennifer Lawrence trips
- Philomena wins Best Picture
This thing is fluid. We’ve got several days. What should we add? Put your suggestions in the comments and I’ll add ’em in.
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