15 things I learned on my 35th birthday

Today was my 35th birthday (and Brad Pitt’s 50th. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRAD!). Here are all the things I learned on the first day of my 36th year on Earth.

1. Lady Gaga and the Muppets are an unholy union.

2. If you tell the waitress at the nice French bistro that it’s your birthday, she will bring you a cream puff with a candle in it.

3. Also, wine bottles are half price at said French bistro on Wednesdays.

4. The best day to do Christmas cards is on your birthday when you can guilt your significant other into licking all the envelopes.

5. The chai-flavored Nespresso capsules are delicious with steamed milk, a sprinkling of ginger, and a dab of sweetened condensed milk.

6. I need to read all emails from my kid’s school very carefully, because when I don’t, I send him in the wrong clothing.

7. The only way to get Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’s “Thrift Shop” out of your head is to listen to Josh Gad sing “In Summer” from the Frozen soundtrack. But then how do you get “In Summer” out of your head?

8. Lady Gaga and Elton John go together like peas and carrots.

9. When your three-year-old tells you that, yes, she wants to walk to pick her brother up in lieu of taking the stroller, you should not believe her.

10. People are still very afraid of using the automated machines at the post office. Use this knowledge to your advantage.

11. I need to just go ahead and delete The Sims from my Kindle Fire. For the good of humanity.

12. Sometimes hearing just the final voiceover on The Middle will bring you to tears unexpectedly while you’re folding laundry. Damn you, Patricia Heaton.

13. Facebook birthday comments mean a lot, probably more than they should, but still. It’s lovely to hear from everyone.

14. The Virgin’s promise is the opposite of the Hero’s journey, and an anti-Virgin story is the opposite of the Virgin’s promise. And The 40-Year-Old Virgin is somehow an example of an anti-Virgin story.

15. Brad Pitt still doesn’t think we should start celebrating our birthdays together. Next year I’m trying Katie Holmes.

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