I’m going to play the part of the smug mommy blogger today, because I have uncovered the secret to getting your children to wee-wee and woo-woo on the toilet. And the secret is this: Don’t potty train them.
Don’t make charts. Don’t buy stickers. Don’t promise M&Ms or trips to Disney World. Just point out the toilet and give ’em the what for.
Because here’s the thing: Chances are your kid is not going to be wearing diapers when he goes to college. And if he is, well, I’m sure there’s some community of fetishists who will invite him into their fold.
Witness my potty training story: After Baby Cookies, my Number 2 (ha!), was born in the winter of 2010, I decided it would be the perfect time to potty train Boy Child, who was two-and-a-half at the time. I figured that we were stuck inside anyway, so why not make our time together as miserable as possible.
He fought me. He had accidents. He cried whenever I mentioned the word “potty.”
My main reason for wanting to potty train him at that point was because I hoped he’d start preschool in the fall, about two months after his third birthday. Because he was so reluctant to make water on the john, I just resigned myself to holding him back for a year or six until he got his shit together (so to speak).
But then one day, a month or two before his third birthday, he walked into the bathroom while I was bathing his sister and said, “I’m gonna go potty.” And that was that. He’s been a FOT (Friend of Toilet) ever since.
He knew what was what. He had the tools. He used them when he was ready. None of this required much work on my part, which I like.
Now Baby Cookies is nigh around the two-and-a-half mark; and two weeks ago, when she ran out of diapers, I told the husband to go ahead and pick up one of those toddler toilet seats, just for shits and giggles. He brought home the diapers and the musical Disney princess seat; and by the next morning, she was using the toilet on the regular. She even made it through a five hour car trip (twice) last weekend without peeing in her safety diaper, choosing instead to man up and use the gas station restrooms.
What does this all mean? Well, it means, scientifically speaking, while your results may vary, the “do nothing” school of potty training worked for my family 100% of the time. Which is why I plan on having no more children, who might defecate on my perfect record of laissez-faire toilet training.
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