There are two episodes left (after this one) in Season 2 of Game of Thrones, and I have to agree with Mr. Hammervision when he says it just doesn’t feel like it’s building to anything. I mean, we know from the BIG LETTERS in the preview for next week that WAR is coming, but even though Stannis has talked about attacking King’s Landing and Robb has talked about sending the Bastard of Bolton to attack Theon at Winterfell and Tywin has said he’s going to sneak-attack Robb, it just feels like we’re so far away from any big action happening.
There’s just been a lot of big talk with few results this season, is what I’m saying.
Now, of course, this is fully in line with the plot of the book. Not much happens and not much happens and then whoops Renly dies and then not much happens and suddenly we’re entrenched in an epic battle at King’s Landing that lasts for the final fifth of the book. And I loved that final fifth of Clash of Kings. It was exciting and emotional and I hope the TV version of the attack on King’s Landing is exciting and emotional enough to propel people to the third season of Game of Thrones just like the second book propelled me to the third book, A Storm of Swords (which is so freaking good I read it in about a week and a half. 800+ pages. While taking care of two children and neglecting all housework/book work).
But what about this episode, “Prince of Winterfell?” Just more table setting. So much table setting. Let’s check in with all of our places, shall we?
Winterfell: Theon has “killed” “Bran and Rickon” in the sense that he hasn’t killed them at all, but two poor little boys Bran sent to work for a nearby shepherd (Remember that scene? I totally called at that those two boys would end up being the tarred and charred “Bran and Rickon” strung above Winterfell). And now Theon, who thought he was so smart in faking the brutal murder of the two remaining Starks at Winterfell, is now in hot water with his sister Yarasha (and not the good kind of hot water that gets you a handy from your sister while riding tandem on a horse). Yara is pissed because Theon killed their leverage. He should’ve held the boys as hostage. She’s actually more impressed with the boys for having the stones to runaway than she is with Theon for cowardly murdering two young kids. And plus, what use could the Greyjoys possibly have with a landlubbing castle like Winterfell? They’re sea people, damnit! So Theon has a tenuous hold over his new palace and his old family and his crew. And now…
Camp Robb: Robb is going to let Roose Bolton send his Bastard Son of the Flayed Man into Winterfell to rip every last piece of skin off of Theon Greyjoy. But before he does that, he’s going to bang Talysa the Hand Chopper-Offer. Neither of them seems to care about a poor nameless Frey girl sitting with her hundreds of siblings at the foot of old Walder Frey waiting for Robb to make an honest woman of her. Robb is King in the North, damnit! If fathering a bastard was good enough for Ned Stark, it’s good enough for Robb Stark (That’s not a spoiler. Maybe Robb sires a bastard. Maybe he doesn’t. You don’t know. I don’t know.)
Elsewhere in Camp Robb, Jaime Lannister is GONE! Catelyn sent him back to King’s Landing with Brienne of Tarth (who is none too happy about the task). Nor is Robb happy about what his mother has done. He puts her under Camp Arrest! His own mother! Who does he think he is? King in the North? Oh.
Harrenhal: Well, Arya/Tywin shippers, your ship has sailed. Tywin is leaving Harrenhal to attack people, probably Robb, but maybe Stannis too. Why limit himself? He’s Tywin “Muthafrakkin'” Lannister. And a Lannister always repays his debts, beeyotch. Anyway, Tywin is gone, The Mountain is in charge, and Arya senses the need to get the hell out of Dodge (Dodge being Harrenhal, in this case). She rounds up her trusty cronies, Gendry and Hot Pie, and tells them to prep for escape. She whispers a final name to Jaqen H’Ghar, which is shockingly “Jaqen H’Ghar”! A girl says a man’s own name! Well played, Arya. Jaqen is all, “A girl should probably say another name, right? A man will give a girl a do-over just this once.” And Arya says, “Sure. A girl will do a do-over, only if a man helps her and her buddies escape.” Jaqen sighs and says, “Whatever. Fine.” And then all the guards end up dead at midnight and Arya, Gendry, and Pie make their way toward the exit of Harrenhal.
King’s Landing: Tyrion is studying old books for ways to defeat Stannis. Bronn thinks they should probably just throw books at him. Varys doesn’t think they have enough books. Joffrey wants to fight in the battle, and Tyrion thinks it’s a good idea. Of course he does. Maybe then Joffrey will get dead. But Cersei throws a wrench into that plan. If Joffrey dies, so will Tyrion’s whore! But what Cersei doesn’t know is that the whore Cersei has is not the whore Tyrion loves! Intrigue!
North of the Wall: Jon Snow is now walking with the wildlings, who have also captured Qhorin Halfhand. And just like the situational comedies that Game of Thrones is based on, the captors tether their captives together so that they can TALK AND PLAN freely. Because that makes sense. Qhorin tries to play it off like he wants nothing to do with Jon Snow by pushing the bastard to the ground, but two minutes ago we and everyone in the wildling caravan surely saw them whispering together, conspiring. This whole Jon Snow storyline is a total lady-boner killer. You used to be cool, Jon Snow. And now you are as bumbling as Deputy Dewey.
Dany Town: Whine whine whine dragons whine no one understands me whine I’m the mother of dragons whine I’m just going to go to the House of the Undying whine I know I’ve been saying that for weeks, but now I’m really gonna do it. I swear. Everyone prepare yourselves for a break in the war action for a drugged-up hallucination, cause that’s what everyone’s been clamoring for. Whine.
- What Tyrion does have to fight Stannis: “Pig shit.”
- Oh, yeah. Sam found a bag of dragonglass, AKA obsidian, in the ground.
- Cersei’s theory as to why Varys is so dangerous: He’s lacking in the wang department.
- Tyrion to Cersei: “The day will come where you think you’re safe and happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And then the debt is paid.”
- Is anyone else longing for Hot Pie to get his own baking show on the Food Network?
- Jorah says to Dany, “[The dragons] didn’t suckle at your breasts.” Oh, sir, in the book they most certainly did.
What did you think of this episode of Game of Thrones? Are you ready for WAR?