Bed-Breaking Sex and Bloody Crotches: Tweeting "Breaking Dawn Part 1"

So…I tweeted my entire moviegoing experience at Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 1 last night.  You know how Twitter works – start from the bottom and read up.  Here you go:

Hammervision Goodnight. I’m going to bed. 6 hours ago

Hammervision  Rating: 2 out of 5 stars. 6 hours ago

Hammervision Okay – so plot goes: wedding. Honeymoon. Sex. Play chess. Pregnant. Bloody baby delivery. Die. Become vampire. 6 hours ago

Hammervision  Bonus Michael Sheen scene. There’s only one Wesley Snipes in this world. 7 hours ago

Hammervision  Supposed to be a surprise at end of credits. Everyone is leaving early. They’re going to miss it. 7 hours ago

Hammervision  Bella’s alive! Eyes red! And roll credits. 7 hours ago

Hammervision CGI gaunt Kristen Stewart. Vampire blood courses through her veins like opening credits of X-Men. 7 hours ago

Hammervision  Big wolf fight ended because Jacob “imprinted” on baby. Classic. 7 hours ago

Hammervision Jacob is already in love with the baby and its CGI eyes. #cheesy 7 hours ago

Hammervision Is Bella dead? Pulp Fiction needle to heart didn’t help. 7 hours ago

 Hammervision  And baby Renesme is born. #bloodycrotch 7 hours ago

Hammervision They’re going to name the baby, Renesme. Why not Camantha? 7 hours ago

Hammervision Bella’s nose gets really wide when she drinks blood. Everyone here is grossed out. Don’t go see Human Centipede, kids, 7 hours ago

Hammervision OMG. The fetus isn’t compatible with her body. The drama! 7 hours ago

Hammervision So much focus on Sharkboy right now. I wish he would get abducted already. 7 hours ago

Hammervision WTF? The wolves talk but don’t move their mouth. Lame. 7 hours ago

Hammervision CGI wolves in the house… 7 hours ago

Hammervision The characters are about to break into a big ol pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Topical! 7 hours ago

Hammervision Something moved inside Bella’s belly. #pregnantsign4 7 hours ago

Hammervision Bella’s period is late. #pregnantsign3 8 hours ago

Hammervision  Bella threw up. #pregnantsign2 8 hours ago

Hammervision  Bella is eating lots. Hungry. #pregnantsign1 8 hours ago

Hammervision This movie has no plot. Good thing they broke it into two parts. 8 hours ago

Hammervision Edward: “Last night was the best night of my existence.”. I cannot say the same for tonight. 8 hours ago

Hammervision Edward broke the bed. #powerfulvampirepenis 8 hours ago

Hammervision Soft focus, cheesy music, sexy time. This is just like The Room. Only a lot less Wiseau ass. 8 hours ago

Hammervision  Bella and Edward are both naked in water. Not boning. Just looking at moonlight. Wait, no, now they’re boning. 8 hours ago

Hammervision  Edward untucked his shirt. Someone just screamed, “Daaaaaammmmn” 8 hours ago

Hammervision Yes! They are in Rio now. They cabbed from Washington to Rio. 8 hours ago

Hammervision Honeymoon time! 8 hours ago

Hammervision Man, Jacob really hates that Edward is going to bang Bella to death. 8 hours ago

Hammervision  And…they’re married. The wedding band is playing some kind of Yo Yo Ma joint. 8 hours ago

Hammervision Anna Kendrick is so much better than these movies. It hurts to see her slumming. 8 hours ago

Hammervision Lost fans – Shannon sighting! 8 hours ago

Hammervision Edward has mountain lions instead of strippers at his bachelor party. 8 hours ago

Hammervision So many oohs and squeals when Edward first appears – you’d think this was an episode of Saved by the Bell. 8 hours ago

Hammervision Movie begins. Can’t even hear voiceover over screams. Jacob already shirtless. 8 hours ago

Hammervision Previews: New Year’s Eve (No, Garry Marshall. Just no.). Wait – Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton are in a movie together? WTF? 8 hours ago

Hammervision A lot less crowded for this one than the previous 3. 8 hours ago

Hammervision There are more Team Jacob than Edward fans here. Zero Bella fans. 8 hours ago

Hammervision  3 minutes to showtime. Theater is about half full. Movie is over 2 hours. I’ve made a huge mistake. 8 hours ago

Hammervision Harry Potter music draws some cheers. Girls are scrambling for free t-shirts being tossed in the crowd. 9 hours ago

Hammervision Some lady just sat in my row, 3 seats down from me. Hopefully, she enjoys a little cell phone glow with her vampire melodrama. 9 hours ago

Hammervision Okay, now he’s just teasing me. Mission Impossible theme? Man, I wish I was seeing that instead. December 16! 9 hours ago

Hammervision Now, organist is playing the Spongebob Squarepants theme song. This shit just got real. 9 hours ago

Hammervision There is a random row of 15 year-old guys in the middle of the theater. They do not appear to be drunk. Yet. 9 hours ago

Hammervision Organist up front is playing Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.” It feels like a circus in here. And it smells like Gap body lotion and Skittles. 9 hours ago

Hammervision Guy on stage is calling out high schools and girls cheer. Loyola has the loudest Twilight fans. 9 hours ago

Hammervision At the Pickwick in Park Ridge. T-shirts are being sold in lobby. Unless they have Team “Who Gives A Fuck?” shirts, I’m passing. 9 hours ago

Filed under: Movies

Tags: Breaking Dawn, film, movies, twilight

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