Ha, True Blood. I see what you did there. I see what you did all over the place, actually. But nice symmetry with the Talking Heads episode title and the craptacular Talking Heads cover over the end credits. Why such a big suit?
Even less subtle was the deus ex machina squirted all over this episode. Let’s start at the end, shall we?
The very last scene tonight showed Eric, King Billium the Lame, Jess, and fresh-faced Pam jumping out of a car wearing all black ready to “burn down the house,” as it were. The house of the witches, of course. “So what?” you say. “Who cares? Nobody we even remotely care about is in there. Plus, Tara’s in there, and we’ve been trying to get rid of her for years.”
True Blood anticipated your apathy! They knew you’d feel the same way about killing the witches as I did about listening to Lauren Alaina sing on the last season of American Idol, which is to say, “Pflecgt.” So! So so so, you smarty pants viewers. They trapped some people you actually do care about in the doomed coven. Sookie sent Jesus into the building to talk to Marnie (Antonia forced him to walk through some kind of force field. He turned into a demon-man. You know the drill). But when Jesus informed Sookles, via fairy telepathy, that Marnie and Antonia were now on the same page about killing all the vamps, Sooks, of course, decided to charge the witches. She, Lafayette, and Jesus were wrapped up by the force field/port key and trapped inside the coven!
And then, OMG! Billium and Eric and Pam and Jess showed up ready to BURN DOWN THE HOUSE. Holy shit, Sookie’s gonna die because obviously no one on this show has any qualms about killing Tara.
True Blood anticipated this, remember. They knew that Billium and Erica and Pamela and Jessica would have no problem killing Tara and that no one would feel sad about finally losing her and a bunch of nameless witches, like Murlotte’s wiccan and guy on the left. So they tossed Laffy and Sookles and Jesus into the mix. Ha. Now you (almost) care, right?
But how will anyone ever know that Sookie and Laffy and Jesus are in there with the expendables?
Jason. J-Dawg. Jizzy Stackhouse. He drove to the coven with Sookie and Laffy and Jesus. He watched Jesus turn into a demon man in order to penetrate the force field. He saw his sister and his former V dealer approach the building. Heck, he went with him. But the force field didn’t take him. Why not? Deus ex machina, my friends. Jase-a-lace ended up on the other side of the force field for the sole purpose of being able to tell Beeeulll and Eric that their obnoxious lady love is trapped inside the coven. Oh, and Jesus and Lafayette, too, if Sookie doesn’t do it for you. There is literally someone for everyone inside that coven. Don’t you care yet? These witches are ’bout to die!
You don’t care?
I suppose we can talk about how Tommy died? You don’t care about that either? How about the little cousin spat between Terry and Andy at Fort Bellefleur? A waste of time, you say? Let’s see…What else was there? Um…Debbie almost getting her wolf packed by Marcus? Too gross to even contemplate. Is this season over yet?
Let’s just go to the rundown:
- The first scene during the Good Time Family Tolerance Solution Massacre was just one big 1-800-DENTIST ad.
- Eric’s back to normal. And he remembers EVERYTHING. Bastard forgets nothing, not even the $20 bucks I owe him.
- Nan call’s Sookie Bill’s “Dairy maid and her lightning trick.” And I now have my new hipster band name.
- Pam, your high-pitched concerned voice is not a good look on you.
- Sam is suddenly very sad to no longer have his stupid brother in his life. Anyone else still not completely certain Tommy’s gone for good? Will he be next year’s Big Bad — a Tommy ghost! No way that can fail to keep our interests.
- Jason on having Hoyt as a roommate: “He drank eleven of my beers, passed out, and started fartin’.”
- Sam and Alcide are now BFF and a wolf pack-fighting dynamic-ish duo! More butts, please!
What did you think of this episode? How can True Blood be saved? Let’s chat in the comments.