10 Commandments of Topical Tweeting

There has been a lot of discussion this weekend about whether or not it’s OK to tweet about how sad you are about the death of a pop star (i.e. Amy Winehouse) when lots of other people are dying elsewhere (i.e. Norway, the rest of the planet).  Here are some solid guidelines to help you through your tweets of crisis:

1. Thou shalt not tweet trivia or minutia on days when absolutely any other news has occurred.

2. Thou shalt not complain about thine own life when it is evident that other people in the world have it much worse than thou do.

3. Thou shalt know the Hierarchy of Grief.  No, a list illustrating the Hierarchy of Grief is not available.  Just know that whatever thou choosest to grieve about, in the eyes of other tweeters, it shall be the wrong thing.

4. Thou shalt express your sincere sympathy (complete with YouTube tribute) for the death of any character actor whom you had forgotten existed until the very moment you read the obit.

5. Thou shalt tweet your displeasure with the weather if and only if there is no other other weather happening anywhere else in the world.

5.1. Thou shalt never tweet about how lovely the weather is where thou art, braggart.

6. Thou shalt tweet what thou eateth as long as what thou eateth is A) the healthiest thing thou hast ever eaten and thus proves to people how fit thou art, or B) is the most sinful foodstuff anyone has ever heard of ever, like molten chocolate caramel marzipan stick of butter cake, or C) if you bought at least 75% of your ingredients at the farmer’s market or D) if your meal can be described using any of the current foodie buzzwords (e.g. umami or gastrique) or E) if what you eat contains bacon.

7. Thou shalt malign that which thou do not understand or have not experienced.

8. Thou shalt tweet about sports.  Full stop.  Thou shalt also learn a few players’ names so that thou may invoke them/make fun of them at will.  (See: Fredette, Jimmer)

9. Thou shalt not tweet your workout.  No one on the Intermesh cares two couch potato figs about how many push ups thou diddest before thine ashtanga yoga class.  It sounds like bullshit, anyway.  We all know the only reps thou were doing were multiple sets of Ben & Jerry’s Milk and Cookies spoonfuls from the carton to your mouth.

10. Thou shalt tweet what thou art listening to if the song thou art listening to was recorded between December 3, 1992-April 16, 1994 or if the band thou art listening to is so underground they lack a Wikipedia page.

Golden Rule: Thou shalt tweet whatever thou damn well please because, oh my god, who cares?

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