9 Questions About the American Idol Results Show

Stefano Langone - "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Simply Red (1989)

1. So, I guess my biggest question is what did Scotty McCreery want to be when he grew up before he decided to become a country singing George W. Bush lookalike?

Baby Lockthemdoors wanted to be an astronaut, but much like his presidential doppelganger, his brain wasn’t astronaut material.  
2. Now let’s go through the obligatory results show queries.  Ford commercial?
Check.  Notable only for the teenage girl ‘Squeeeeeees!” that emanated from the audience when Joey Tribs showed up on screen.  He is so winning.  And I am going to keep reminding you all that I predicted that, up until Stefano gets booted in Week 5.
3. Musical guests?
Lee DeWyze and the BEPs.  Lee sounded good, though I still rue the day whatever stylist got a hold of him made s/his debut on this planet.  Lee was so much cuter as a scruffy, fratty douche.  Sometimes the fratty douche look works.  Not every guy needs to look like an over polished male version of Ryan Seacrest. The Black Eyed Peas were very, very meh.  And I say that as the only remaining person in North America besides Oprah who still tolerates the Black Eyed Peas.  
4. There’s got to be one more?  Doesn’t Ellen like them?
Probably.  The two biggest notes I have are that whatever plastic surgery Fergie’s been rocking lately has turned her into Meredith Grey.  Maybe she’s angling for an Evil Twin spot on Grey’s Anatomy.  I smell Emmy!  Also, I might just have been imagining things, but it seemed like Taboo and Apl.de.ap were given more to do last night.  Maybe because of the SNL sketch:

5. Group sing?

Totally live!  With sound issues!  And really, really Glee-rific.  They did a mashup of “Born to Be Wild” and “Born This Way” by something called a “Starlet,” not Lady Gaga.
6. Our bottom three, America?
In this order: Haley, Naima, and Karen.  Thia was safe.  She’d better not Jasmine Trias her way into the Top 3.  
7. And who was booted?
Single Latina Female.  She sang her Spanglish version of “Hero” for us once again.  It was…utterly forgettable.
8. Judges’ save?
Ha ha hahahahahaha HA!
9. Any other notable information from the show?
I’ll bullet point it:
  • Shambert wanted to be a pro-wrestler when he grew up.
  • The Megiabot 2000 had always hoped to be a singer for all her many 15 years of life.
  • Paul wanted to be a comedian.  Frakking hipster.
  • Haley’s greatest talent is that she can speak with many non-discernible accents.
  • Pia’s dog sings along when she sings.  My old dog used to do that!  Bosco.  Respect.
  • OH!  And the biggest, hugest, most amazingest news of the night!  Lauren’s mother, the cougar in training, got herself some ‘stensions!!!!1!
Hammervision.  Out.

Leave a comment