I live in the Chicago suburbs, but I am a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan. I also listen to a lot of sports radio on my way to and from work every day.
And all I’ve heard during the past three days on the radio is whine, Bears, whine, Trestman, whine, defense. Phone call after phone call of the sky is falling from fans of a team in what was supposed to be a rebuilding year in which said team somehow finds itself at .500 despite injuries to three of its top players in Jay Cutler, Charles Tillman and Lance Briggs.
As a Bills fan, all I can do is roll my eyes. Let me show you woe. Follow along, Bears fans, as I show five reasons why it’s better to be a Bears fan than a Bills fan:
1. You lost to the Vikings last week; we lost to the Falcons at a “home” game
Sure, losing on the road to the Minnesota Vikings stinks. But it’s not as bad as losing to the even more dreadful Atlanta Falcons in a must-win game to remain viable for the playoffs in a “home” game. And I must put “home” in parenthesis because the game was played in Toronto because, well, God hates the Buffalo Bills and they have to play one home game a year in Toronto to make money. That would be like Bears fan playing a game every year in, well, Toronto. It sucks. Oh, and as for those playoff hopes, yeah, the Bills haven’t been in those since the 1999-2000 season. You know, when Bill Clinton was still president. But sorry for your loss against the Vikings.
2. Our most well-known fan smokes crack:
Once upon a time, the most well-known Bills fan was Tim Russert, a gregarious TV news journalist who was class all the way before his untimely death. Now, we have this guy:
Yup, that’s Rob Ford. Toronto’s mayor. Toronto’s foul-mouthed, crack-smoking mayor. Spotted at the Falcons game in a Buffalo Bills Fred Jackson jersey. Complain all you want about being represented by George Wendt and Robert Smigel with odd Chicago accents hanging out with Aaron Rodgers on a plane. It could be far worse. It could be Rob Ford worse. That’s all I’m saying.
3. I’ll see your Lovie Smith and Marc Trestman and raise you a Mike Mularkey, Dick Jauron, Perry Fewell, Chan Gailey and Doug Marrone.
Yes, yes. I know we both had to suffer through Dick Jauron, but our suffering was much more recent. The combined record of our coaches sine 2004: 61-95. The combined record of your coaches since 2004: 87-69. Also, Dave Wannstedt was the Bills’ defensive coordinator last year. I still have nightmares about his firing being just a dream.
4. You have a Super Bowl
Sure, it came in 1985 and was accompanied by one of the worst dances known to man, but – still – a Super Bowl. The Bills are known for losing four straight Super Bowl losses and an accompanying weird Vincent Gallo movie about Scott Norwood.
5. Bon Jovi doesn’t come up in Bears rumors
I’ve never been to Buffalo, but – for some odd reason that even I don’t understand – I would be devastated if the team moved. Which is something I have to hear about every time someone mentions Los Angeles needing a football team. That paired with an owner who is somewhere around 247 years old with no succession plan and you get stories like this: Jon Bon Jovi interested in purchasing the Buffalo Bills. (He later refuted it, but – still – ugh.) The Bears aren’t going anywhere. So, you have like, I don’t know, an eternity of having your team break your heart. Well, maybe you win this one, Bears fans.
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