Bacon shortage predicted for 2013: 5 ways you can help

Bacon shortage predicted for 2013: 5 ways you can help
Nothing pleases Greasodite more than the smell of bacon frying. (Photo courtesy of Roboscreech via Wikipedia Commons)

Maybe the Mayans were right after all.

Except, instead of the Earth being in peril in December 2012, they were referring to bacon. Hey, crazier things have happened. Have you seen the movie 2012? John Cusack and company outdrive the destruction of a city and then fly a plane into the Himalayas.

According to a Chicago Tribune story:

Might want to get your fill of ham this year, because “a world shortage of pork and bacon next year is now unavoidable,” according to an industry trade group.

Yes, bacon – that heavenly concoction given to man by Greaseodite, the Greek god of clogged arteries – might become a more valuable commodity than oil next year. Breakfast sandwiches might be filled with just – shock! – egg and cheese! Salads might have to contain just vegetables! Bacon bits, fortunately, still will be around since – as far as I can tell – they actually are just flavored pebbles.

That being said, there is a way we can slow down the pending bacon disaster. It’s a fairly easy solution even. Stop putting bacon into things that don’t need it. Below are five bacon-related food items that you should remove from your diet for the greater bacony good:

1. Bacon ice cream: Ice cream does not need to be made with bacon. It’s quite unhealthy and tasty enough on its own without meat flavors included. I think we all can agreed on this.

2. Bacon-wrapped fruits: I know someone who doesn’t eat any meat throughout the year except for bacon-wrapped dates on special occasions. That person is still allowed to eat them. As for everyone else, let’s just stop mixing fruit with bacon. Future generations will thank us.

3. Bacon doughnuts: See bacon ice cream. The same basic principle applies.

4. Bacon drinks: Seriously? Bacon beer and bacon martinis exist? That’s just gross.

5. Bacon chocolate bars: The salty and the sweet and the meaty. I get it. It’s like the perfect culinary combination. But this angers Greasodite, who is capable of clogging your arteries even faster than normal with a flick of her sausage link wand. And, believe me, you don’t want to anger Greasodite.

• Joe Grace is a writer and journalist who lives in Chicago with his wife. He’s not really supposed to eat bacon anymore. This – especially at breakfast time – can sometimes make him a bitter, bitter man. At least there is turkey bacon, which essentially is like eating soy-based ice cream. You pretend it’s just as good – but deep down in your heart – you know it’s not.

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