A General List of Things You Should Avoid Doing at All Costs

Guest Post by Caroline (Carrie Forrest): My wonderful, crazy and hilarious co-worker

I found this heart on the island after a cup had been sitting there.  God has a sense of humor too!

I found this heart on the island after a cup had been sitting there. God has a sense of humor too!

I thought this list of things “to avoid at all costs” would be something to help you get through the work week.

This post really has nothing to do with God sending me hearts except that laughter is good for the soul.  In essence, laughter can be like many tiny hearts from God.  Unless this list makes you belly-up in laughter, then in that case consider yourself largely “hearted” by God!

Proverbs 17:22 (NIV):
“A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

Things my Life Experiences Have Taught Me to Never, Ever Do

1. Never get a jumping cactus stuck in your foot. You need to get it removed with a comb, a pair of pliers, and about three buckets of tears.

2. Never turn your back on a pony. They’re heartless, vicious beasts.

3. Never run through a screen door that you are not completely sure if it’s open, especially if you’re too vain to wear your glasses.

4. Never try to jump across a swimming pool. Your upper jaw will make it, but the rest of you won’t, and you will need major dental surgery both at the time and eighteen years later, when you will have to get an emergency root canal and spend a week on vicodin hallucinating cats and standing on furniture, singing “Walkin’ On Sunshine” loud enough to be heard in surrounding zip codes.

5. If you have a Swiss army knife keychain, never grab at your keys and shove them roughly into the lock of your dorm room door without first ensuring that the knife blade is properly folded back.

6. Never watch television while operating a bread knife. Nobody wants their bread with a healthy marinade of O+.

7. Ditto for hot glue guns.

8. And belt sanders.

9. Never dive into a kiddie pool. Your dentist already hates you.Babylaughing

10. When walking along talking to a friend, never let your attention be so enraptured by the discussion of literary themes present in “Thundercats” that you are no longer aware of solid objects that are in your path. The bench will leave a permanent scar on your knee and you will have to explain that the permanent scar on your knee came from walking straight into a bench.

11. If possible, never fall down a mountain.

12. If you absolutely must fall down a mountain, never break your fall with a saguaro cactus.

13. Never, when the nice lady at the park district tells you to wait for her help getting out of the boat, attempt to get out of the boat on your own. It will never, ever end well.

14. Never attempt to use the bar between the back two wheels of a tricycle as a scooter. You’ll lean too hard on the handlebars and promptly catapult your big dumb face straight into the cement, and your dentist, who is already plotting to kill you for crimes against teeth, will use your idiocy to finance his son’s college education.

15. Never go off-trail hiking in woods filled with deep brambles while wearing sandals and capris. Your friend will never let you hear the end of it and she will never get all the blood out of her car’s upholstery.

16. If you don’t like people, talking on phones, insurance, or math, never get a job in insurance phone sales.

17. Never go camping in October in Illinois with only one blanket and no mattress or pad to go under them. You will get hypothermia and your friends will mock you and they will be right.

18. Mead is way stronger than beer. Never drink mead like you are drinking beer (for more information, see #4 with regards to Walking on Sunshine). The rest of the people at the campsite will laugh at you and you will not remember why in the morning.

19. In general, it’s probably better to just never go camping.

20. Never taunt nature. Best-case, you’re a lunatic shouting at Lake Superior. Worst-case, Lake Superior rises up to defend itself, and the best way that can end still involves ice water, sand, and dead fish right in your face.

I was so inspired by my conversation with Carrie one fine day during our lunch hour, I asked her to write up this wonderful list of things she will never, ever do again.

I was so pleased with what she came up with, I might write my own list soon 🙂

For more office humor, check out the Daily Cheezburger: http://thedailywhat.cheezburger.com/tag/office-humor

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Filed under: Hearts, humor

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