I have been putting off writing this blog because I thought I could handle things on my own. Clearly I cannot and I now think it is best that I make my struggle public to those that care about me, and my family. I have made my problem known to a few people but the attacks have not gotten better, in fact they have grown and turned into sleepless nights, nightmares, and arguing and hurting the ones I love the most.
I believe that there is serious spiritual warfare going on in my life. The more I have gotten into God’s Word, the more I get attacked. When I celebrated God’s blessings with friends, darkness seemed to follow. When I try to get along with certain people, the conversations go sideways and it turns into an argument. I handed in an A+ paper for Bible school and it turned into me yelling at Amy for something ridiculous and she never saw it coming. I have started to believe the negative voice that is playing like a broken record in my head. I have tried to make changes in my life only to spend time second-guessing the changes that I make. There are times I feel like a confused school kid instead of a grown man with 4 kids of my own.
Billy Graham explained the reality of spiritual warfare in his book Angels:
“Where the Lord works, Satan’s forces hinder; where angel beings carry out divine directives, the devils rage. All this comes about because the powers of darkness press their counterattack to recapture the ground held for the glory of God…”
I am not trying to discount or minimize my accountability or involvement in this darkness. I am the one who sinned here. I am the one responsible for it getting to this point. Now I am the one, with the grace of God, who is putting on my armor in this fight.
I know how much God has blessed me with. I am so grateful for my wife, family, and a host of great friends. I think that is what makes things so hard. I try to be as transparent as possible. I post a lot of things on Facebook. I love to share pictures of my kids and to share the love I have for my wife. I try to also share my love for God. I think that’s why this is so hard for me to write but if it helps other people know that they aren’t alone in being attacked, than I will share my struggles also.
Kevin Millar wrote an article about Spiritual Warfare. This was a very powerful excerpt from that.
“The bad news is that if you are a follower of God, you have an enemy who is invisible. Not only is this enemy invisible, this enemy is evil. If you have an enemy who is not only invisible but evil, you are not going to be able to placate this enemy. You can’t make concessions to this enemy, you can’t negotiate, you cannot bargain, you cannot argue this enemy with logic. He’s irretrievably and irrevocably evil. He’s invisible, he’s evil and he’s on the attack.”
Sometimes it’s hard to realize there is spiritual warfare going on but I truly believe that it happens. It sneaks up on me when I least expect it.
Some other ways that I know that spiritual warfare is going on are:
1) I start to think that my family is against me
2) I feel accused and condemned
3) I believe Satan’s lies and deceitful tricks
4) I want to stay away from other Christians who will point me to truth and Gods Word
5) I start to justify my own sin
Satan wants to get me alone or make it seem like I’m alone. He wants to fill me with self-pity and doubt like it’s the best meal I ever had. He wants to fill my head with thoughts that my family would be better off without me. He wants me to look at other Christians like they are better than me. He wants me to believe all the negative things that I tell others not to believe. He wants me to think that God could not possible love anyone as pathetic as me.
I know that NONE of this is true. How do I know this? Because God has told me so, that’s how.
Coming in Part 2- God has the answer. How to defend against spiritual attacks.
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