bachelorettes and getting old

I have just been to the best bachelorette party… EVER!

Okay so there were NO strippers.  Actually, thank GOD there were no strippers!  Apparently there were strippers for her  first bachelorette party, and one of them locked himself in a bedroom until one unruly party goer would  apologize for pulling down his g-string.   I am not making this up.  I am assuming this poor young man needed a way to make a quick buck and decided to take off his clothes while going to a hotel room with a bunch of drunk rowdy young gals.   That doesn’t mean he wants somebody’s hands on his panties trying to check out his business.  Not cool at all!  (okay, I am snickering about this whole scenario, it sounds like every young mans friday night dream).

Anyway, back to the current day.  We are not in our twenties anymore, or heck, even our thirties.  We have done this before.  It is a 2nd marriage for the bride.  So I didn’t know what to expect.  I didn’t know if she would be wearing condoms pinned all over her, have a blow up doll, passing out penis suckers or be wearing a  gigantic veil on her head.   None of the above applied.  How dissapointed was I!

I should have known there was going to be trouble from the moment I walked in the joint.  One side was a modern bar with celing fans and a chic martini list.  But then if you wanted to get to the bathroom, you had to step into the twilight zone and go acoss the hall to the other dimension.  The one that keeps the 1970’s brown paneling and all the original party guests to go with it.

It was about 8 o’clock, and my friend and I needed to use the rest room.  Of course it was over on the other side.  We looked around and looked at each other.  That’s when our eyes met and we could barely curtail our excitement.    We saw priscilla presley’s hair amdist a mirage of wrinkled gray faces watching a very slow renditon of  “Proud to be an American”  on the kareoke machine.   Or as we called it.. CARRYCROAKY.   Nobody in line to sing was under the age of 85.  We thought it was perhaps an outing from the local old folks home.   Which is fine.  I am all for them having their fun.  But the bathroom had to be put on lockdown  because one of them threw up.  Perhpas too many applesauce shots?

Did I mention the watered down shots of patron we recieved?  And the long islands (okay I know we are too old for these but it’s a bachelorette party…  I think) tasted like all they had to put in them was sour and 7 up!  Where the hell is all the alcohol in this place?   I will tell you where it needed to be.  It needed to be thrown all over these people in hopes of masking the dirty depends smell.

After a couple of hours of  being loud and okay.. a little drunk on the current decade side, we venture over assuming gramps and all his buddies are happily at home snuggeled in their  beds.  Afterall, it was now well past 10 pm and how long can they last if the early bird special dinner was at 4?

We couldn’t have been more wrong.  In fact, the population of the over 75 crowd seemed to be multiplying!  We decided to make the most of it.  (okay so 5 of us didn’t have cars, we had gotten dropped off by the groom to avoid DUI’s.  So we didnt really have a choice).     Apparently  we are past the age where we need  to have hot young people all around in order to have a good time.   And our egos were soaring high from all the denture drools we were recieving.   And it felt good for once to not be looked at as a cougar but more of as a kitty.

Some of us decided to jump on the bandwagon and sing some songs.  Probalby the some of us that shouldn’t have.  But then again who doesn’t love a drunk mom singing  Kenny Rogers THE GAMBLER?   It’s harder than it looks to get up there and sing!

One of the highlights of the night was when one elderly gentleman told my friend that he liked my orange socks.  They were sexy.   Okay.  Let’s get this straight, they are called  fishnets and they are red!

As the midnight hour approached.. the bride’s twenty something daughters kissed and said their goodbyes to their mother.  HEY, why do they get to leave?  Probably going to some hip nightclub to dance and do shots of patron.  NO FAIR!

All in all, like I said it was the best bachelorette party EVER.   Something wonderful comes with age.  You realize you can really be anywhere and have a good time celebrating happiness with a friend.   Despite the fixodent, mothballs and orthopdic shoes.

And I know one day soon, young people are  going to be making fun of me and my friends  for being out past 9 on a saturday night fighting over the microphone to sing “Forget You”.




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