Like a Trump resort or construction site, the Trump Administration is desperate to lure more temporary workers to the White House. So today, President Trump announced 10 new hiring initiatives to significantly reduce job requirements and increase benefits.
To kick off the hiring push, Trump visited a local Krispy Kreme. From the back of a rusty pickup, he addressed a parking lot full of day laborers.
“Trust me America. These are the most insanely stable job perks in American history,” President Trump carnival-barked. “Come on. Who’ll jump in the truck right now? No questions asked. I won’t even ask if you’re legal.”
At the top of the new benefits package are gold-plated outplacement services for every new member of the Administration who stays for at least 2½ hours (or past lunch, whichever comes first), according to contracted outplacement expert Nina Drizmoré & Associates.
“This is a five-figure perk normally reserved for executives who know where the bodies are buried,” said Nina Drizmoré, NDA president. “I understand people’s hesitancy to befoul their resumés, but if I can get Mel Gibson short-listed for Humanitarian of the Year by the Shoah Foundation, I can place any former Trump staffers when it all comes crashing down.”
Here are the rest of the 10 changes made to White House job requirements and employee benefits:
2. Three extra floating holidays to prepare for grand jury testimony.
3. Equivalents to a college-degree now accepted. Includes Hamburger U degrees, a white belt or better from any American dojo, and certificates of participation from Trump University.
4. Automatic enrollment in annual executive pardon lottery. First-year winner: Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
5. Non-disclosure agreement waiver, as long as you disclose something as personally disconcerting as anything you may see in the White House.
6. Expedited temporary security clearance to help future FBI-investigated employees really hit the ground running.
7. Curved truck driver mirrors in all cubicles to ensure Stephen Miller can’t creep up and startle you.
8. Extra Christian holidays off, such as your born-again birthday and June 16, the God-ordained day when Trump declared his candidacy.
9. 5% employee discount at IvankaTrump.com. Minimum $200 purchase.
10. Pantless Casual Fridays now replace Free-Ball Fridays (per legal recommendation of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission).
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who suffers from a rare haiku allergy. Iambic pentameter also makes his stuttering worse.