WikiLeaks Bombshell: DNC Banned Edible Arrangements for Bernie

According to damning WikiLeaked emails, Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz banned sending any Edible Arrangements to the Bernie Sanders campaign – inclusive of salted caramel apples and pineapple fruit truffles.

“This is war! No pineapple stars. No fruit mocktails. No mango-kiwi blossoms. He’s dead to me! GOT IT! Dead Sea dead!” said Wasserman-Schultz in one email blasting a staffer who proposed a “Get Well Bouquet” of honeydew, grapes and kale following Bernie’s hernia operation.

“And if anyone uses our off-shore accounts to funnel energy-boosting B-12 baskets to those Sanders f***s,” she continued, “I’ll personally use those wood skewers on you like Punjab sticks.”

chocolate strawberriesThe trove of 20,000 emails also revealed at least $265,000 in Edible Arrangements were sent to dozens of Hillary for America campaign offices. This included Wasserman-Schultz directly sending “Forever in My Heart” chocolate-dipped strawberries to Hillary on Valentine’s Day, Sweetums Day, and the Clintons’ anniversary.

“The snub was as obvious as bad deli service,” said Bernie Sanders on Meet the Press. “But it’s fine. I’m not a huge shipped-kiwi fan. Give me a delicious locally sourced smoothie, and I’m a happy man.”

Other revelations from the DNC WikiLeaks:

  • For the primary debates, Wasserman-Schultz initially pushed for a surprise pop-up-concert format at small clubs
  • Bill Clinton enthusiastically endorsed a Clinton-Kaine ticket when he thought Hillary meant actor Michael Caine. (“Balling with Alfie” has long been on his bucket list.)
  • Wasserman-Schultz summers in Arizona for the low humidity
  • DNC staff tried goosing Hillary’s senior support by getting her named a guest bailiff on Judge Judy
  • The DNC began suspecting hackers after Wasserman-Schultz’s email signature mysteriously changed to include an Anthony Weiner dick pic
  • Martin O’Malley email domains were never removed from the DNC spam filter
  • Wasserman-Schultz urged DNC staff to join her in petitioning FOX for another season of The Mindy Project
  • After receiving HRC Women Cards, the female staff needed to be warned to “knock off all the grab ass”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who hopes the FBI investigates Hillary’s personal server Dwight. That waiter’s got real loose lips.

Filed under: Humor

Tags: 2016 election, fake news, politics

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