Capping a four-day GOP convention devoted to the theme “Arrested Development,” Donald Trump slowly rode a lightning bolt down to the arena floor and seized the mysterious “GOP Mantle of Power.”
Dressed in a menacing gold-leafed metal suit, Trump accepted the Republican presidential nomination and boomed in a self-echoing baritone, “All bow, avert your eyes and refer to me as Trump the Destroyer!”
Trump’s proclamation ranked as the biggest surprise of a convention that went about as smoothly as a Hillary Clinton home technology plan.
According to Conservative legend, whoever possesses the GOP Mantle of Power instantly transforms into a righteous Reagan-like instrument of good/God. That this did not happen this time left remaining party support for Trump with a Bridge-to-Nowhere-sized case of buyer’s remorse.
Even former Trump true-believer Mike Huckabee left shaking his head.
“Like most Republicans, I believe in intelligent design, but there was nothing intelligent nor well-designed about this poop storm,” Huckabee said. “But I signed the pledge – in blood – so I will vote Trump this Fall and pray to heaven I’m a minority for once.”
It didn’t help when midway through Trump’s acceptance speech a Utah member of the Never Trump movement yelled, “Repent or feel the wrath of the true Mormon overlord!”
Trump blared back, “I won, and now you shall have no God but me.” He then nodded at Chris Christie, and the New Jersey governor instantly leaped high over conventioneers toward the Utah section. Upon landing, his hands and forearms grew to the size of refrigerated Chick-fil-A trucks, and he pounded the Utah delegation into the arena floor.
At the same time, Vice Presidential nominee Mike Pence materialized in front of the Ted Cruz-loving Texas delegation wearing a hat of brain-wave-focusing aluminum foil. He then attempted to use his powers of talk-radio mind control, but Pence’s flat Midwestern accent proved impossible for the Texans to understand.
Across the arena, Donald Trump Jr. appeared in his typical pin-striped power suit borrowed from the failed Broadway musical “American Psycho.” Blinding all with his perfectly basted golfer’s tan, Junior and a private police force quickly surrounded and pummeled the rebellious Colorado delegation like a scene from A Clockwork Orange.
It was a spectacle that disappointed even Jasper Whitester, club secretary of the Poorly Educated for Trump chapter in Pidcoke, Texas: “It takes a lot to surprise me. Most things just whir by, but I’m very upset right now. I came here with one goal: to get all these signed.”
Jasper held up a stack of GOP Traitor Cards. The baseball cards featured all living GOP presidential candidates and most GOP elected officials who refused to attend the convention.
“The only one of my cards who showed up was Bob Dole. I asked him to sign his card, but he just yelled at me to get out of his peripheral vision. I couldn’t believe it because I was standing directly behind him,” he said.
EDITOR’S NOTE: After Trump’s speech, Marvel Comics filed a lawsuit against Trump, claiming he plagiarized his entrance, metal outfit, and acceptance speech from one of their supervillain comic book series.
“It sold very poorly and never took off,” said Issac Perlmutter, CEO of Marvel Entertainment. “It was just too adolescent for our readers.”
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who thinks in a past life was probably either an immortal or a prehistoric fancy fish with fangs.