Trump warns he’ll destroy nation if not treated fairly

Shortly after presumptive billionaire Donald Trump added “presumptive GOP nominee” to his Twitter bio, he warned America that if Hillary Clinton does not treat him fairly he’ll destroy the country.

Trump would not say exactly how he’d destroy the nation, emphasizing the need to maintain an air of unpredictability.

“That’s the problem with this nation. Our voters can be very unpredictable, but political candidates rarely are. It’s time we level that playing field. I rule no options out, not even nuclear weapons,” said Trump, between strategy sessions with his Trump University defense lawyers.

Asked how he defines “unfair” treatment, the cagey failed casino operator warned Hillary to not play the “women’s card” again. He also warned against playing the “fitness-for-office card,”  the “understands-the-issues-better card” or the “less-of-a-national-embarrassment card.”

woman's card“Basically if she plays any card, I’ll obliterate Massachusetts. It’s a solidly Blue State, so I’ve got no chance there anyways. But then again, I’m unpredictable. Maybe I’ll introduce a potato blight into Maine so no progressive can find Terra Chips anywhere,” Trump said.

Contacted for comment, the Hillary Clinton campaign didn’t play any cards. All regular spokesmen were said to be locked down in high-level strategy meetings figuring out how to counter colorful nicknames from Trump. But on deadline, an unnamed husband of Hillary Clinton called back and requested anonymity in order to remain anonymous.

He said, “I’ll speak for myself in saying I can’t wait for the general election. The primary required us to run in lock step with Barack Obama’s record in order to win the African American vote, but now I… I mean we… are free to run as our own man… I mean, woman.”

Then the line went silent and only the muffled sound of a muzzle being put back on could be heard.

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is investing heavily in Bubba-licious bubblegum ahead of Bill Clinton returning to the White House.

Filed under: Humor

Tags: 2016 election, fake news, politics

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