Trump huddles with self over ‘Trump Problem’

As Trump takes over as leader of the GOP, he now grapples with the same problem as his recent Republican predecessors: What to do about Trump?

“I love myself, and I hate pretty much every establishment Republican who hasn’t endorsed me. Unfortunately, even if I replaced every Congressional Republican with an Apprentice contestant, I still don’t have the numbers for a loyal legislative majority,” Trump said. “It’s a big problem.”

The problem also extends to finding enough trustworthy applicants to fill 1,200 appointed positions in his administration.

“I completely blame NBC for not airing two seasons of The Apprentice per year like ABC does with The Bachelor. It would have doubled my pool of loyal disciples for the transition,” he said.

Trump quote

“I wouldn’t hire half those contestants for my own company, but they’re perfect for government work. Jesus, on my TV show, those poor schnooks would do any asinine thing I asked, which is exactly what Americans want from their civil servants now.”

Trump said NBC’s short-sighted programming decisions are just another example of how big corporations put their interests ahead of America’s. He pledged changing this in his first 100 days by returning The Apprentice to its original Thursday 9 p.m. slot.

“We started as a Top 10 show, but once they started moving us around to Monday night, Sunday night, bing, bing, bong, no one could find us. It was the main reason I became a birther: to go on the talk shows and remind America of our ever-changing time slot,” he said.

After a recent retreat with himself, Trump said he may fill administration posts via one of his most reliable personnel pools: overseas workers.

trump-pes“As I’ve said many times, low-cost foreign workers have been the best workers for my buildings and country clubs. Far more reliable, loyal and appreciative. It’s no surprise my shortest marriage was to an American-born woman,” Trump said.

“So we think the ultimate solution may be to issue H-1B visas to every Miss Universe contestant to fill all under-secretary and whip positions. It would be way hot, and the best thing to ever happen to C-SPAN ratings,” he said. “It’s this kind of outside-the-boxer thinking America loves about me and my boxers.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who is a pledged delegate with the pledge pin to prove it. He’s just nervous about the establishment continually referring to the convention as “Hell Week.”

Filed under: Humor

Tags: 2016 election, fake news, politics

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