Mistaken transgender man freed after kicking self in balls

North Carolina correctional officials today freed Tracey Timmons – the first person jailed under the state’s controversial bathroom law that prohibits transgender people from using the bathroom of their choice.

“It was an honest mistake by law enforcement,” North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory said. “One of our deputy sheriffs was relieving himself in a highway-side Red Robin restaurant and thought Mr. Timmons was a woman dressed as a transgender man. It made him uncomfortable.”

After Timmons refused most of the sheriff’s questioning, Timmons was arrested. According to arresting officer Deputy Sheriff Hank Mandrake, Timmons would only give his name.

“He said it was Tracey, so that was another red flag. Combine that with his being unusually narrow waisted and oddly color-coordinated, and you can understand my suspicions,” Mandrake said.

Timmons explained he was wearing a black polo shirt and black slacks for his job at Chick-fil-A. He also said he suffers a thyroid condition that makes it hard to gain weight, which is why he stopped at Red Robin to get its 3,500-calorie A1 Peppercorn Burger meal.

“Really, if I was transgender, would Chik fil-A ever hire me? I told the officer this, but he just kept commenting on my svelte waist. It was weird,” Timmons said. “After he asked my waist measurement a third time, I stopped answering his questions.”

Timmons said only when he was being booked for jail and accidentally kicked himself in the balls while crossing his legs, did any of the authorities believe he wasn’t transgender. A strip search at the jail finally confirmed Timmons’ professed gender.

The deputy sheriff defended the state bathroom law. He confirmed how uncomfortable he felt sharing a bathroom with a person he suspected of being born female.

“I couldn’t use the urinal. I completely froze up, which hasn’t happened since my police academy days, and that was because of all the grab-ass in that locker room. You really had to watch your back,” Mandrake said.

“That was just good ole bathroom fun, but this was different. This was fear. My entire urethra seized up, and I couldn’t let my stream fly. Super scary cause I’m too young to go on Flo-Max.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, whose preferred baby name for his child if it proved a hermaphrodite was “Floribama.”

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Tags: fake news, national news

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