Holiday Poll: Half want more patriotic holidays; others want more binge drinking

A new Quinnipiac poll shows the U.S. deeply divided over the true meaning of the holidays – with as many Americans wanting more patriotism-infused holidays as hoping for more national drinking days.

Both options polled at 41 percent. Among the remaining 18 percent, the most common responses were “None of the above” and “Isn’t a Quinnipiac a marsupial?” But clearly favoring more patriotic celebrations was Noah Armeglydden of Park Ridge, Ill.

“One by one, our great jingoistic holidays are going the way of the Greatest Generation. Old Navy has owned Fourth of July for decades. Memorial Day is basically a nationwide mattress sale, and when you hear Veterans Day, who doesn’t instantly think ‘2-for-1 Big and Tall Suit Day’?” he said.

Park Ridge 12-15 c“For traditionalists like me who simply wish to celebrate our national and military superiority, that leaves just Flag Day and NFL pre-game ceremonies.”

Armeglydden believes the only way to fight over-commercialization is to “over-patriotize the holidays.” Thus in recent years, he’s mounted one of the nation’s brightest and loudest residential holiday light displays. Synchronized to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.,” it features 42,000 Christmas bulbs, a laser-lit crèche with the Baby Jesus flying a U.S. drone, and Mary and Joseph saluting in full American battle fatigues.

At the other end of the debate are heavy drinkers like Sal Hanson. He bemoans the long 2½-month wait between New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day when projectile vomiting in public gutters and stealing overhead expressway signs are considered “not cute.”

“The lousy bean counters and P.C. police are killing this country,” said a slurring, swaying Hanson. “It’s now all about blood-alcohol levels and shaming legally imbibing adults for doing what? Being the friggin’ life of the party, that’s what!

“But super-secret secret: we’re winning. We’ve converted an increasing number of holidays – some not even American – into totally acceptable binge-drinking excuses. There’s Halloween, Cinco de Mayo and most of the Republican Presidential Debates.

“Mark-um my words. [Burp] It’s just a matter of time ’til MLK Day and Breast Cancer Awareness Month jump on our bandwagon or fall off it or whatever that dumb-ass saying is,” Hanson said in a too-loud voice.

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who believes most “Close” buttons on elevators are part of the longest running hidden-camera placebo test in history.

Filed under: Humor

Tags: fake news, national news

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