Tuesday night, America’s most popular Levitra-sponsored reality show – the Republican Presidential Debates – makes its next one-night stand in that evangelical hotbed of Las Vegas. CNN has breathlessly promoted it as “THE LAST GOP DEBATE OF THE YEAR!!!” But it’s really just the fifth of 12 verbal orgies mounted to turn on anyone who gets super-hot and unbothered by concealed-weapons talk.
Expect lots of standard-issue suburban S&M here: an over-restrained CNN role playing as a bad-bad-bad member of the “lamestream media” while 13 GOP candidates try paddling it into submission. For those who like to watch, expect to also see:
Republicans. Lots of frickin’ Republicans. Conservatives love bashing liberals as too soft and “feely” to reign in bloated programs. So where’s all that tough love and an austerity plan for slashing their debate cast into something smaller than the Duggar family?
No “I” in this party. Every candidate will reaffirm their ironclad support for the eventual Republican presidential nominee, provided it is themselves.
Hate the “establishment,” not the rich. Each candidate will rail against the Republican “establishment” – those hated political and business elites just waiting to rig everything in their favor. But don’t confuse them with Bernie Sanders’ Top 1%. That would be class-warfare crazy talk.
Torch-carrying mob. Over the end credits, an angry mob of RNC leaders will rush the stage and kill a few of the Frankenstein monsters they now regret creating. Either that or they’ll try booing Trump off the stage beneath a hale of leafy produce.
A Black Life Matters. As lone black member of the debate audience, Luther Rondell of Alpharetta, Ga., will achieve his 15 minutes of fame by being cut to every 70 seconds.
CNN gets last laugh. At one point, Trump demanded a $5 million appearance fee from CNN. Despite those great “Art of the Deal” negotiating skills, he came away with bupkis. Expect CNN to rub this in by not only refusing to validate Trump’s parking ticket, but by putting his private 757 in a satellite lot out near Laughlin.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who predicts a GOP brokered convention will produce a Judge Judy/Dick Cheney ticket.