Donald Trump drops $5 million debate demand, requests speakerphone

After CNN turned down Trump’s request for $5 million to attend its Dec. 15 GOP Presidential Debate, Trump countered that he will still participate, but only if allowed to call in.

Specifically, Trump requested a vintage Bell Systems “4A” beige speaker- phone be placed on a podium at least six inches taller than Jeb Bush. This is the same speakerphone used on Trump’s all-time favorite TV show Charlie’s Angels.

“I’m a terribly generous man. After all, I’m volunteering to be president. But everyone knows if you want The Donald in person, you pay for The Donald,” Trump said. “Ask my ex-wives. It’s in every pre-nup I ever negotiated, which is just the kind of hard-nosed bargaining skills the American people need working for them.”
trump speaker phone
Trump pointed to the G8 Summit. Once he is president, he will require a $10 billion appearance fee for every G8 he attends.

“Let’s be honest. What is Canada, Britain, Japan and Italy gonna get done without us? We’re the whole schmear. We don’t show up, it’s about as fun as that Jason Bourne movie without Matt Damen, or federal prison without recreational drug offenders.

Jeb Bush looking up“And if the Olympics want us in Rio next summer – and why wouldn’t they? Team USA is frickin’ amazing – then they better cough up some coin. A good starting point is $100 billion, and throw in some medals in those bullshit sports we haven’t time to train for like rugby and trampoline.”

Most of the rest of the GOP presidential field immediately cried foul to Trump’s call-in request. At the same time, Rand Paul and Chris Christie both called dibs on Trump’s extra spacious green room. The only candidate to not criticize Trump was Bush, who asked if he too could call in.

In response to Trump’s speakerphone request, CNN immediately accepted.

Said CNN CEO Jeff Zucker, “We’ve had months to test ‘live’ Trump versus ‘call-in’ Trump. It’s all ratings gold, but we really make out from a production perspective. Without Trump present, we’ll spend far less pumping in extra oxygen, and we cut our carbon footprint in half without Trump’s excessively hair-sprayed combover.”

Zucker respectfully declinedtrump call-in Bush’s phone-in request.

“Jeb still has a Motorola Razr, and the reception is horrible. I understand it benefits his campaign for voters to hear only half of what he tries to say, but what are lines, if not to be drawn?” he said.

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, who suffers from a debilitating fear of boredom.

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