Rural America secedes from U.S., still hopes to attract top Black athletes

Following a fourth consecutive non-breakout debate performance, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has left the Republican presidential field to lead a secession movement by all rural areas of the country.

The seceding portions represent 15 percent of America’s population, 72 percent of its territory, and a 97.8 percent of all meth lab production. If successful, the new nation – tentatively called First People of Godlandia – instantly creates the 117th richest nation per capita.

“The God-fearing people of Godlandia are tired of being used by secularly Communistic, PC-mind-controlled city slickers,” Cruz said. “Urban areas may possess most of the wealth, jobs, airports, entrepreneurs, medical centers and Brazilian steakhouses, but we’ll see how happy their Top 1% are without access to summer homes.”

Cruz said his nascent nation should be fairly self-sufficient given its large expanses of farmland, but recognized one agricultural challenge.

“We grow an awful lot of soy, but none of us eat it. So we hope to have all those Ricketts Cruz 3farms fully converted to jerky production by summer,” he said.

For entertainment, Godlandia is rich with homegrown country music talent, but Cruz admitted its citizens “sure love their football.” Thus they will remain active in the free agent market for top-notch African American talent to keep their Friday nights bright. He said African Americans will be eligible for any roster spot other than quarterback, long-snapper or cheerleader.

Godlandia will do away with passports, as no foreigners will be allowed in and few Godlandians have curiosity for the outside world. This also removes the  devil’s temptation for any footloose young citizens to cross the border and go dancing.

The new country will also do away with gun licenses, as Cruz said a birth certificate is the only paperwork needed to buy a weapon in any of Godlandia’s 3,275 Wal-Mart superstores.

Cruz announced as well his selection of Branson, Missouri, as the new capital city and Lee Greenwood as his Vice President. Upon being sworn in, Greenwood debuted Godlandia’s new national anthem, “God I Hate Obamacare,” sung to the melody of his “God Bless the U.S.A.”

SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, a Nobel Prize-winning scientist who discovered the temperature at which most women freeze is usually room temperature.

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