12 things never to say to a pregnant chick

Pregnant women are tricky.

I don’t even think that one needs much explanation.
They are tricky.
They are happy, sad, scared, hungry, fearful of getting too fat, totally exhausted and super excited human incubators who can’t decide if they love you or hate you.
I take that back, they totally know if they love you or hate you, they just don’t know when the love or hate is going to surface.
And it doesn’t matter who you are…nobody is really safe from the outpouring of love or total wrath that a pregnant chick is capable of.

And while your intentions may be good and your words may not be intentionally loaded, a pregnant woman will hear them as she wants.
Even the happiest of pregnant mommies to be have been jolted into a “shut the hell up before I punch you in your face” moment by a seemingly harmless comment or question.
Chances are, we have all said something to a pregnant chick that has forced her to go home and unleash a wrath of fury, “engage” her husband in a two hour bitch session or have a curl up in a ball and cry type of night without even realizing it.

But here are some things that should just never, ever, ever be said.

Consider yourself warned.

1. That went so fast!

If I even need to explain why saying this is a bad idea, you might deserve to be punched. And while I’m at it, if you encounter a pregnant woman and tell her that she “only has one short week left” or even “one day left” you also should prepare for the punch.
Remember the following…forever:
It did not go fast.
The next week will feel like a year to her.
Avoid the word “only” altogether.
You are an idiot.

2. You definitely need to be sleeping more, because once the baby comes you are NEVER GOING TO SLEEP AGAIN!

Thank you so much for that tidbit. It hadn’t crossed my mind that I could use a little shut eye.
And I thought that all babies did was eat, sleep and poop. Are you telling me that this little human who has a foot lodged in my rib while sitting on my bladder and forcing me to sleep on my side with pillows strategically placed everywhere is not going to sleep all night when he pops out?
Oh my shit.
I need to rethink things here before he arrives in 6 weeks.
Let’s see here…you just told a woman who wants more sleep that she should get more of it. That is dumb even if she isn’t pregnant, but the fact that you think she is not sleeping because she is so giddy about having a baby in 6 weeks makes you a total stooge.
You should just throw some of the fan favorite “you think this is bad…just WAIT” comments in there while you are at it.
That will earn you a friend.

3. It’s all going to be worth it once you hold that baby.

Yes…it totally will be worth it once she holds and sees her baby.
She is not stupid…but apparently you are.
The chick needs to vent.
She is miserable and wants someone to be miserable with her.
When she is bitching about her cankles and leaking boobs, she is not saying that this has been the most pointless 9 months of her life.
She is saying that it sucks like at least 1/3 of the time.
And now she thinks you suck…3/3 of the time.

4. Anything, and I mean anything, regarding to stomach shape, size or position. And while I’m at it boob size is also off limits.

You say: “You are so big already!”
She thinks: You are an ass and what do you mean by already?

You say: “Are you sure there aren’t twins in there?”
She thinks: You are an ass and are you sure you are not also pregnant?

You say: “Wow! You are all belly!”
She thinks: You are an ass and I don’t even have to turn around to see mine anymore.

You say: “I’ve never seen anything like it!”
She thinks: You are an ass, please tell me that an apparently grotesque baby belly doesn’t mean a grotesque baby, you are an ass, I want to hit you and if you say anything like that after this baby is out I will hit you.

You say: “You look ready to pop!”
She thinks: I am going to pop…pop you in your face. Also, you are a bit of an ass as I still have 3 months to go.

You say: “You can’t even tell you are pregnant yet!”
She thinks: I stopped fitting into my clothes 4 weeks ago and my glasses are even snug on my face. Thank you for either thinking I am out of shape all of the time or just paying that little of attention to me…you ass.

You say: “Your boobs are huge!”
She thinks: Did you ever talk to me about the size of my boobs before I was knocked up? No? You are an ass.

5. There were so many things we were going to do before we all started having kids!

Ok unmarried and/or childless friend…she is having a baby…not dying.
She is already worried about how things are going to change and how she is going to manage being a mom and a wife and a friend and a…
She is having a baby. Planned or unplanned, her life is changing…not over.
Your life, however, is possibly in danger now.

6. You look great!

You mean well.
And you might even be speaking the truth.
She doesn’t believe you…not one single bit.
And now your credibility as an opinion that she can count on is probably gone for a while.
She feels fat and ugly.
You are actually better off just telling her that her ass has gotten bigger when she asks.
She knows the truth.
Don’t be a liar.
She has gained weight in more places than her stomach.
I was more than willing to show people my thankles when they tried that line.
That’s right. I wasn’t even lucky enough to be stuck with cankles. My thighs and ankles were the same damn size.
I wasn’t carrying around all 55 to 65 pounds in my belly, folks.
Thanks, though.

7. If it’s another boy are you going to try for a girl?

Dude!
Still working on getting through this pregnancy, thanks!
And in case you didn’t know…it is stupid to try again in hopes for a gender.
If we go for a girl next time and we get another boy are we not supposed to be excited?
And seriously…can a girl get through the next 30 weeks without having to think about starting all over again?!
I’m not enjoying now. Leave it alone.

8. When are you due?

This is acceptable on the following occasions:
You have just been told that she is preggers, you are positive that she has not had the baby yet, you are the father.
Otherwise, do yourself a solid and play it safe.
9 times out of 10 that new mommy looks like she is still expecting.
Take a quick glance in the cart and see if there is a tiny human in there already.
If so, she probably was due a few weeks ago…and you are an ass.
And if you are the barista at Starbucks and you inform her that there is quite a bit of caffeine in that drink she just ordered, be prepared for a postpartum flood of tears to land on your counter.
She is tired, she needs caffeine and she actually is not pregnant.
While I’m at it, if you work in any establishment where you serve food or if you are a coworker being asked to pick up lunch or a beverage for your pregnant pal just do as you are told. Don’t suggest a drink with less caffeine. Or a salad without blue cheese. Or a cheeseburger instead of sushi. Or a sandwich without lunch meat.
She knows what she is doing.
And you are probably not her doctor.

9. Are you going to keep it? Are you happy? Were you trying? Who is the father?

What the what?
So she has to be married to be excited and want to keep the baby, huh?
What the hell century are you in?
And are you looking to buy a baby?
No?
Then shut the hell up with the are you going to keep it comments.
A: “It” is a human.
B: You are an ass.
Also, the father is this dude right here. The one that probably heard you ask that question…you suck at whispering.
Also, what does it matter to you they we were trying or not. You didn’t seem to care about their methods of birth control before you found out this tidbit.

10. Your end of pregnancy woes and horrific birth stories.

Personally, my husband and I planned both of “our” pregnancies. And do you want to know the first second thing to cross my mind both times?
Oh my god, this baby is going to have to come out.
We were all present during sex ed.
We know how the baby is going to come out.
We know how else it might come out.
We know that people have died, cried, torn, bled and pooped on the table (thanks to Jenny McCarthy pre anti-vac rampage).
Please don’t feel like we need to be reminded.
And also, we feel like we might throw up on your shoes now. We feel horrible now. We have bloody noses, Charlie horses in our sleep and sensitive gums now.
Please don’t feel the need to point out the miserable end that awaits us.
We are all set.
We also have a heightened sense of smell and you need a toothbrush.
Now.

11. Can I touch your belly?

Do I know you?
Are you my best friend, a family member or the father?
No.
No.
No.

12. You must be having a girl, girls steal your beauty.

You, my dear, are the biggest ass of them all.
Also, you are ugly too…since apparently I am as well.
And please don’t start on all of your other old wives tales while you are at it.
I already know the gender.
The Chinese Gender Predictor was wrong.
The ultra sound was not.
And if you tell me that sometimes the ultra sounds are wrong. I am actually going to punch you. No hypothetical about it.

 

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