Things That Remind me of the 2019 Chicago Cubs

The Cubs aren’t good. Well, they’re good, but they’re not good good. They’re not 2016 Cubs good. The sooner we come to terms with that, the better. This team is going to disappoint us at some point, so we should just come to terms with it. Hopefully they’ll do it sooner rather than later.

Attention Cubs: If – as I suspect – you’re not going to win the World Series, can you just fold now? Stop leading us along and making us think you’re all of a sudden going to remember how to play winning baseball on a consistent basis. Stop teasing us. It’s not going to happen, so just get swept by the Cardinals this weekend and put us out of our misery, okay?

Remember Old Yeller? They could have let that rabid dog suffer, but instead they put it out of its misery. That’s the preferred course. Treat us like Old Yeller. Please! At least we’ll know. Not knowing is the worst.

I started watching this Cubs team on Opening Day. I was in the stands with three of my kids when they shellacked Texas and things were looking up. Unfortunately, there’s 161 games after Opening Day, and many of those have been…uninspired.

I’m not going to be able to write a post celebrating the magic of the 2019 season, so instead, here are a few things that remind me of the 2019 Cubs:

Almost every Bruce Springsteen song ever. Sure, it doesn’t rhyme at all, and the lyrics are awkward and hard to remember, and rather forced, but the opening riff is promising. It builds, and it builds, and it builds, and, wait…where’s the payoff? That’s it? It’s over? It’s like a wave that never breaks.

Cold French fries. Remember when we were hot and we were so good? Like the best thing ever. Now we’re cold. But don’t worry. Just heat us up and we’ll be just as good as we were before. Wait a minute. No, we won’t. We’ll never be as good as we were at the beginning.

The 2016 election. Look, it’s clear on paper that we’re superior. And our opponents? They’re a joke. We’re barely even going to have to try. We can probably not even show up in Wisconsin and win. Let’s just play this thing out and we’ll be on top at the end. I don’t even know why anyone else is trying. What’s that you say? We lost?

Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. At home we’re so good. We’ve got it all figured out and we’re on top of the world. (51-27) But away from home? In places like St. Louis or Cincinnati or Oz? We’ve got no damn clue. It’s like we’re doing something we’ve never done before. We’re lucky we even survive. (31-44)

Non-alcoholic beer. It looks like it contains alcohol. It tastes like it contains alcohol. Maybe it even smells like it contains alcohol. But then you drink a bunch of those things and there’s no alcohol. Now just replace the word alcohol with wins.

The original Bladerunner with Harrison Ford. Everyone says this movie is so good. Harrison Ford is one of the best ever. I can’t wait to watch it. A quarter of the way through: this is going to get better, right? Halfway through: just wait until the second half, you’ll love it. Three-quarters of the way through: It must finish strong. The end: Why the hell did I just waste so much of my life watching this crap?

Painting a room in your house. I can’t wait to do this. It’s going to be so much fun. And just wait until we’re done. After painting starts: this is harder than it looks. What were we thinking? We should have left this to the professionals. Do we even know what we’re doing?

Thanksgiving turkey. This is going to be so good. Well worth the wait. I just have to be patient and it’ll be totally worth it. Wait, why doesn’t this taste right? Why is it so tough? Doesn’t anyone know the right way to cook a turkey? It can’t be that hard, can it?

The rear driver’s side tire on my car. Every couple of weeks it’s a little deflated. I put some air in it, it’s back to where it should be, and I think, “Hey, maybe this time it won’t deflate and will just keep on going.” Then some days pass and it deflates.

The Grateful Dead. We seem much better when you’re high!

Ladies and gentlemen: Your 2019 Chicago Cubs!

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