How to Tell the Difference Between Kids and Dogs

I like dogs. I understand why people have dogs for pets and why people love their dogs so much.

That being said, I’m still amazed at the phenomenon of people referring to dogs as their kids. It seems like almost every dog owner that I’ve ever met has done this.

If you refer to your dog as your kid because you feel a deep emotional attachment to him, or he seems like part of your family, or you appreciate the dog’s loyalty, then great. I’m happy you feel that way. Refer to your dog as your kid all you want. (I’m sure you’re thrilled to have my blessing!)

However, if you refer to your dog as your kid because you genuinely can’t tell the difference, then I’m here to help!

Here are some tips that should assist you in telling the difference between Fido and your kid (unless your kid’s name is Fido, but that’s a different post):
1. A kid won’t sniff a person’s crotch the first time he meets them.

2. If a kid is dragging its butt across the carpet, it’s probably because she hasn’t yet learned to walk, not because of an irritated anal sac.

3. When your kid kisses you, it’s not right after he licked his butt.

4. Kids and dogs might both eat from a bowl, and they might both make a mess. So that’s not a good tip. However, keep in mind that it’s okay for the dog to eat any food the kid drops. It’s not okay for the kid to eat any food the dog drops.

5. Bob Barker has no opinion as to whether you circumcise your kid.

6. If you let your kid hang his head out the window while you drive, you’ll probably get arrested.

7. It’s not acceptable to put a lice collar on your kid.

8. You probably won’t think it’s adorable if your kid hops up on your bed and sleeps on your head.

9. Your kid will become self-sufficient…eventually.

10. Kid smiles aren’t creepy.

11. Your kid knows he can’t catch a squirrel.

12. When a dog hugs your leg it’s not because he’s shy or scared.

13. A kid wears a costume because he wants to; a dog wears a costume because you want him to.

14. Your kid’s food didn’t smell the same when he ate it as it does when it’s coming out.

15. Kids won’t drink from a toilet.

16. A kid will chew on her feet, a dog will chew on your shoes. *Note: Only babies should chew on their feet. I have no tip if your eight-year-old is chewing on her feet or her shoes.

17. Kids smell the same whether wet or dry.

Obviously there are probably exceptions to the tips above, but they’re really just a matter of degrees. For instance, my kids have run after squirrels in the mistaken belief that they would catch them. That might lead you to believe that my kids are dogs.

Au contraire.

When the squirrel runs away—say, up a tree—my kids will realize the squirrel is gone and move on to something else. If they were dogs they would run to the tree, stand at the bottom and bark for ten minutes. Are they expressing disappointment that the squirrel got away? Are they demanding that the squirrel come back down and meet its fate?

Your guess is as good as mine.

So you’ll have my little cheat sheet for the next time you have to tell the difference between a kid and a dog. I hope it’s helpful. It’s obviously not all encompassing, and perhaps some of these rules don’t apply to your dog, or your kid.

But come on, I think we can all agree that dog smiles are creepy.

By the way, if you happen to have a young goat for a pet, feel free to call that your kid.

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