Tribune, Won't You Make Me, Your New Columnist (with apologies to Janis Joplin)

“Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz”
Tribune, won’t you make me
Your new columnist.
The old ones are quitting
Or getting dismissed.
I’ll write for a dollar
You’ve got a tight fist.
Tribune, won’t you make me
Your new columnist.

Tribune, won’t you put me
Up on Page Two
John Kass used to get it
Until his miscue.
I’ll write real good headlines
I won’t stir the stew.
Tribune, won’t you put me
Up on Page Two.

Tribune, I can be your
New Schmich and your Zorn.
I’ll send a swell headshot
My page to adorn.
I’ll do lots of tweeting,
I won’t be a bore.
Tribune, I can be your
New Schmich and your Zorn.

Tribune, I don’t need my
Own office space.
I’ll write from my kitchen
It’s my favorite place.
I’ll write about music,
‘Bout health and ‘bout waste.
Tribune, I don’t need my
Own office space.

Tribune, I remember
When Royko was king.
He wrote about Daley,
It was his Boss thing.
I’ll write about Lightfoot
And go Pritzkering.
Tribune, I remember
When Royko was king.

Tribune, if you like me,
Just drop me a line.
I’ve done lots of blogging,
It’s finally my time.
You won’t last forever,
On Alden’s thin dime.
Tribune, if you like me,
Just drop me a line.

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