10 Reasons Why I'll Host Them Damn Oscars!

oscar-hostDear Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences:

I hear the Oscar Awards are coming up pretty soon. And I hear you are having trouble getting yourselves a host for the broadcast. The Kevin Hart thing didn’t work out too well. Neither Johny Carson nor Bob Hope is around to bail you out. Well, February is a good month for me to travel, and L.A. is sure warmer than Chicago that time of year, so here I am, waiting for your call.

This isn’t the first high profile job I have applied for. For the sake of the country, I had volunteered to be a Trump Cabinet Secretary (little did I know how over-qualified I was-and how lucky I was to be rejected.) I have volunteered to replace Alex Trebek when he reaches his Final Jeopardy (so far all I have heard from Alex is “Wrong Again Les.”)

But this is different! I am ready! I am prepared! So Oscar Gods here is my application.


  1. I have never told a gay joke. In fact, some would say I have never told a joke. Barb did once accuse me of having no sense of humor.
  2. I have never given anyone the wrong envelope unless you count that Valentine I gave to the wrong Debbie back in 7th grade.
  3. I have a friend who is a film critic (of course he tells me why every movie I like is crap.)
  4. I thought it was a great idea to have a “Most Popular Movie” Oscar category.
  5. I bought a new tux for my kids’ weddings. I need an excuse to give it a 3rd wearing.
  6. I promised Barb that someday I would introduce her to Bradley Cooper.
  7. I promise not to drink, snort, or inject my way through the 3 to 4 hours the ordeal takes.
  8. I thought David Letterman’s Uma/Oprah bit was hilarious.
  9. I have always been a fan of Sacheen Littlefeather.
  10. After I do the Oscars maybe I can get a gig on Dancing with the Stars.

So give me a break,  guys. I doubt hosting the Oscars can be any harder than my day job!

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