“The next person who has asked to speak at the Watertown Citizen’s Forum is Grady Fornstock. His chosen topic is Watertown: My Kind of Place.”
“Thank you for inviting me to be the keynote speaker at the Citizen Forum Day here. Hey, you’re a real cutey. Busy later?
“I’m looking out and I know this is the biggest crowd you have ever had for Citizen’s Day, even if the Daily Slime won’t report it that way. You know they just like to report made-up news, like about that traffic stop last week. Not true, not true. I wasn’t speeding and there was no money attached to my driver’s license when I gave it to the very fine state trooper. And if there was a fifty I think it was just stuck on by a drip of secret sauce from my morning Big Mac. No harm, no collusion.
“You know I almost didn’t make it here this morning. I was watching GCN, the Good Cable Network. They like talking about all the greatness I am bringing to Watertown. No made up news on GCN, just good stuff about how I have the most customers at my restaurant and what a good job I do at keeping my labor costs down. They never go into the kitchen so they haven’t heard all the Spanish back there, but I assure you it is all above board, all very legal. No dreamers, just good solid people who pay me so I won’t turn any of them in. Great, isn’t it!
“Remember the guy who owned the restaurant before me? LOSER! Paid the waitresses a decent wage and didn’t even water down the liquor. I think he was born in Rwanda or some other @hole country. I hear they want to name the street after him. I guess @hole Avenue has a good ring to it. Maybe I’ll sell some souvenirs. Have ’em made in Haiti or Mozambique. I got guys there.
“You know my brother is a doctor, the best doctor we have seen in Watertown for twenty, or maybe fifty, years. Never a problem; only writes prescriptions when people really need ’em. I know, he has written me a dozen or so. Always necessary, always for enormous pain, I have to be honest. On my feet all day at the restaurant, back starts to ache, even though I am in perfect health. Still a 1 handicap on the golf course.
“Speaking of doctors, they don’t get paid enough. But I am working on that. Going to meet with the head of the Insurance Committee. Scary guy, a little crazy. But I can talk to him, tell him I am serious about this. I’ll get my brother big bucks, big bucks. It’s what I do. No one better.
“My kids are playing Little League now. Have you seen those games? They have idiots for umpires. You would think 17-year-old kids would have better vision. But this one ump, Big Smelly Kid, keeps calling the pitches thrown to my son strikes, even when they are, I don’t know, 2 or 3 feet above his head. I told that 17-year-old moron ump he should quit; if I had known he was going to be the ump I never would have let my kids play. If he doesn’t quit soon, I’ll have him fired. The head of the league owes me big time over that party we threw at the restaurant last month. How could I know what those girls did for a living?
“So I am thinking of running for Mayor of Watertown. Elect me and I promise, I’ll never work another day in my life. Just making Watertown great again.”
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Filed under: Politics