In a startling announcement, T. Mueller-Hinton Ph.D. of the National Constitutional Archivists (NCA) has conclusively demonstrated that the Second Amendment to the Constitution contains a transcription error. After reviewing notes from the attendees of the 1787 Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia and numerous drafts of the Bill of Rights, Dr. Mueller-Hinton has clear proof that the amendment speaks of the rights of citizens to have uncovered upper extremities.
“The evidence was there all along,” Mueller-Hinton said in his press conference on the steps of the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. “We know that English spelling wasn’t totally standardized in the 1700’s and the words like bear and bare were frequently interchanged. Up until Draft 4, the word is consistently written as “bare”, but sometime between then and the final copy, a scribe switched to the alternate spelling “bear.” This amendment never was about guns, rifles or bazookas. It is strictly about bare arms.”
Dr. Mueller-Hinton, a post-graduate student at the National University of Traditional Scholars (NUTS,) a Minnesota think tank, began his research project after viewing a production of “Hamilton,” the Lin-Manuel Miranda musical about the life of Founding Father Alexander Hamilton. “After I learned that Mr. Hamilton was born and lived his early life in the Caribbean, I began to wonder what impact that had on his thought process. In reading some of his “Federalist Papers” I noticed commentary on the joy of feeling the sun on his sleeveless arms while a youth. He was unhappy with the stuffy dress conventions of the United States. It was easy to put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4 after that.”
Clint McWhitlock, a spokesman for the National Rifle Association (NRA), immediately released a statement stating that Constitutional protection was not really needed for his association’s goal of “a handgun in every pot, two rifles in every garage.” The statement further went on to say “firearms are the American way of life, and we don’t need the Second Amendment to preserve that. After all, we have great laws like Concealed Carry now.”
Also releasing a joint statement were Elizabeth Shagreen MD, President of the Dermatological Society of North America and Gordon Calomine of the Coppertone Corporation. “Suns don’t kill people, people kill people. We are advancing legislation to require all bare body parts must be protected by sunscreen with an SPF of 75 or higher. We cannot let this new Constitutional interpretation cause us to lose lives.”
Vice-President Mike Pence commented that it was OK for Americans to get a suntan, as long as they didn’t kneel while doing so.
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