You may recall that I put my hat in the ring for several cabinet posts in the new administration. Much to my disappointment, President Elect Trump chose differently-qualified candidates for those positions. I was giving up on my dream of moving to DC and cashing a government paycheck when my phone vibrated, signaling a Twitter Tweet. Thumbing to the new message, I was shocked to read “Raff-give me a call. It will be HUGE. @therealdonaldtrump”. Could my wishes be coming true?
I dialed 1-800-TRMPREZ and arrangements were quickly made. A day later I was on a first class flight to NYC for a meeting with The Donald at Trump Tower. (I would have preferred Mar-a-Lago, but it was totally booked for the First Annual Angry White Woman Beauty and Talent Pageant.)
I entered Trump’s suite and he wasted no time in getting started, “Raff, I’m looking for a science advisor and I saw your blog. You write all that stuff about global warming and evolution, right?”
“Um, no Mr. Future POTUS. The blog that you are thinking about is called Violent Metaphors and it is written by Jennifer Raff. I once checked with her and she isn’t even a relative. And she writes AGAINST all phony science. I suspect she hates you”
“Lester, Jennifer, sounds the same, what’s the difference, no wonder I mixed it up. Or maybe you are a transgender. Anyway, you do blogs too, and you are some sort of doctor or another. I saw your picture with a microscope. I want to give you the enormous new position of Scientist in Chief.”
“I am honored, Incoming Leader of the Free World, but I thought you wanted to cut down on government and drain the swamp. And I don’t support any of your positions.”
“That’s the point, Chester. I want to appoint an advisor that the liberal pussies at the New York Times will like. Keep em confused. Then they won’t notice all the big oil, big business, screw the environment policies that Rex and Scott and I have up our sleeves.”
“Mr. Next Commander-in-Chief, I think they are pretty smart there at the Times. They may have you figured out.”
“Is that why they said Lying-Emailing-Deplorable Hillary had a 90% chance of beating me in the election, which by the way I won by 20 million votes?”
“Yeah, Upcoming Chief Executive, I guess they sort of blew that one, didn’t they. So my job would be to talk good science while you cripple future generations? And I will get paid to do this?”
“It’s even better than that. I’m giving all my advisors a 1% share in Trump Enterprises. By the time we’ve had our eight or ten or twelve years in office you’ll have enough cash to keep your children’s children’s children in air conditioned bomb shelters no matter how hot it gets out there.”
I leave for DC next week. Can you blame me?
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