By now, everyone with a TV or Internet connection has heard about Budweiser’s new summer marketing plan. Instead of being labelled Budweiser, cans and bottles of brew will have the familiar Bud script replaced with “America”. The labels will also be festooned with patriotic slogans. “E Pluribus Unum” on the package instead of “Profits Sent to the European Multi-National Company We Really Are”. Not a bad sleight of hand! By the way, did you know that Clydesdale horses are Scottish?
Since we are intent on making America great again, and since “American” branding is a super idea for the 25th most valuable brand name in the world, I realized we could get some mileage branding our future home as well. From now on, instead of continuing to call our soon-to-be residence the “new house in the last vacant lot in that nice development by the Tristate”, I am dubbing it the Midwest White House. No, we haven’t switched the exterior stone to alabaster, I just want to make sure you know we are an American Brand.
And things are ramping up at the MWH. On Saturday morning, First Lady Barb and I had a lengthy onsite meeting with our architect, Alexander Hamilton, and General Contractor Thomas Jefferson. We climbed up the American Oak construction stairway to the loft, and in the bitter May cold finalized the design of what is now known as the Lincoln Bedroom. We shaved a closet here, expanded the attic there, and closed off a wall so that future generations of Americans won’t fall backward down the stairs. The space is now perfect, and can even be used for hosting foreign dignitaries. Or we may auction off the privilege to spend nights in there. That is a strategy that raised plenty of campaign cash for Bill and Hillary when they auctioned off nights in their Lincoln Bedroom.
Once the loft was settled, we returned to the main floor. The library, heretofore to be known as the Oval Office, still presents some challenges. We are not quite sure how to place two desks in such a way as to give us both a view of the TV for watching important press conferences. We are hoping our designer, Betsy Ross, will come up with an improved layout. If she does well, we may toss her an extra star to sew onto her flag. We have finally settled on a design for the Presidential Bedroom Suite, although Ham and Jeff are concerned that our plan deprives us of a view of the Rose Garden. It just proves that even when building a national treasure, some sacrifices must be made.
The basement still seems enormous to me. Tricky Dicky Nixon put a bowling alley in his White House basement, we will settle for an exercise room and wet bar in ours. I do have my eye on a nice American Eagle area rug that will keep the American brand going throughout the house though. I’ll run it up the flag pole and see if Barb salutes.
So that’s my plan. And to the Anheiser Busch-InBev Company of Leuven, Belgium, I salute you for the great Americans you are. And remember–this Bud’s for you!
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