What I Learned on the "It Hurts Too Much To Eat" Diet


A man selling ice cream

Singing Italian songs


I have discovered the magic bullet. A GI issue has prevented me from eating solid food for the last ten days. They have turned my non-stop love affair with food into a miserable love-pain S&M relationship, my own 50 Shades of Gravy. I don’t recommend anyone follow this diet, but for those of you with an insane desire to lose weight in a hurry, here are a few thoughts.

  • My last post featured an album cover and lyrics from the Carpenters. Talk about unintentional irony!
  • Fruit smoothies sound like a good idea. Ice cold, frosty, chill inducing Strawberry-Banana smoothies from Pandora that hit your gut like a Tazer shot at 6 a.m. are NOT a good idea.
  • Licking the cream cheese off a bagel is OK; nibbling at the edges of the bagel is OK only if done slooooowly.
  • I make Cream of Wheat the same way mother used to do it.  Stand at the stovetop and stir, stir, stir. No microwave mush for this boy. And never a lump.
  • Boost Vanilla Protein Drink is the foulest potion this side of Hogwarts. It belongs in a cauldron with three witches stirring it.
  • Adding a squashed up banana to Boost Vanilla Protein Drink just makes the agony last longer.
  • Chicken noodle soup is fine. Blenderizing the chicken and the noodles spoils the appeal. Now I know what Oliver Twist felt like at the workhouse. “Please may I have some more gruel, sir?”
  • Ice cream, slightly chilled, in small spoonfuls, is fine. Salty Caramel and Coffee flavors are best. Bring ’em on!
  • A wife who drives you to the doctor-good. A wife who goes to 3 different grocery stores to get things you like-better. A wife who makes vanilla pudding without that awful skin on top-priceless! Gotta love her–always.
  • The bathroom scale can be your friend again. Daily!

Things are slowly improving. By the Night Before Christmas I hope to be able to take a bite out of more than just those visions of sugar plums and Lou Malnati’s Pizza that are dancing in my head. Until then, keep those room temperature smoothies coming!


Type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

Leave a comment