This week, one of my dating coaching clients said to me, “I feel like the Universe is trying to mess with me and all I’m doing is minding my own business! Why???” And the answer I gave her is this: “The Universe wants you to grow so you can move forward and find an amazing partner. So it keeps presenting you with obvious WRONG choices so you can say “no” and keep moving along toward someone who deserves you and who will give you the time, energy and effort you deserve!”
In dating, we often waste time with people who give us crumbs, even though we deserve the whole damn cake. We waste time with people who may be nice people, but who we know are not the one for us. We waste time with people who don’t treat us well because we don’t want to be alone. Every time we hang out in the wrong relationship, we are preventing ourselves from moving forward, to a higher level partner. Whenever we give our time and energy to someone we know is not treating us the way we deserve or is not in a place to give us what we need, or who doesn’t set our molecules vibrating, we are sending a message to the Universe: “I’m good here. Don’t bother sending me anybody else.”
We have to be willing to say “no” to the wrong or ALMOST right partners in order to create space for the right partner to enter. And to send the Universe a clear signal about what you will and won’t settle for. Every single time you say “no” to someone who isn’t right for you, you alert the Universe that you’re holding out for a higher level. And you will get it. The next partner will be a higher level in some way, BUT he/she may not be the right person. It’s up to you to assess whether this partner meets your qualifications and is someone deserving of your time and attention. And your choice will send a message directly to the Universe.
The Universe is a purely loving force and wants you to have what you want. So when the Universe sees that you’re stuck, perhaps you’re “minding your own business” but you’re not completely fulfilled or accessing what is waiting for you, the Universe will give you a loving nudge by sending you a person or situation for you to respond to, a chance to grow. This is what I like to call a “test”. A test is an opportunity for growth. And these opportunities for growth often suck. But they are important and essential to your path and your evolution. Consider it a good thing when you are being tested. It means you’re getting close to what you want. You’re plugged in. The Universe has you. And it also means you have to be crystal clear about what you want and that not settling for less than that is the test. Your actions and behaviors send direct messages to the Universe.
Of course, in this post, I am only talking about one specific type of test – moving on from the wrong person. There are all kinds of tests we get in the dating world depending on your patterns and how you need to grow. Other ways you may get tested include the areas of setting boundaries and speaking up, slowing down the beginning of a relationship, letting go of anyone who doesn’t want you instead of clinging, loving yourself and walking away from red flags. Whatever your work is, the Universe will lovingly send you tests so that you can lean in, do the uncomfortable new thing, grow and move toward the love you deserve.
If you have trouble moving on from the wrong person, fear is at the root. What are you scared of? Being alone? Being bored? That there will never be another person interested in you? You need to identify these underlying fears and work through them. Because fear is what keeps us stuck. Fear is what keeps us doing the same thing over and over again even after we realize it isn’t working! Once you understand that you are never alone, once you understand that there will ALWAYS be another person, once you understand that the Universe always rewards your growth and passing of tests, you’ll begin to lean in more and feel less fear.
If you’re brave, ask the Universe for help identifying what your work is in dating and relationships. And then watch what happens. Soon you will get a situation or person for you to respond to. Talk to a friend about it. Or a therapist. Ask yourself: how would I usually respond to this? Does that usually work for me? If I wasn’t scared, what would I do? Can I do that? Why or why not? As you become conscious of what your work is, you will begin to easily identify when the Universe is sending you a test to grow. Soon you’ll become an expert at this, and it becomes kind of fun. Instead of feeling only disappointed or angry, you’ll say “Damnit, Universe! I see what you’re doing here”. And you’ll respond like a champion, tackle that growth opportunity, and spring yourself forward along your path. The further along you get, the easier things become and the more you transform. You will be amazed at how far you’ve come when you look backwards at your journey a month or year from now. This is how we change and transform. One small decision. One uncomfortable new choice. One baby step at a time.