How You May Be Keeping Yourself From What You Actually Want

The nature of life is change. Everything is changing, all the time. Everything is temporary. Life runs in cycles. What we lose, always come around again in another form. In order to feel at peace, we have to embrace, or at least accept this simple fact of life: life is about change. And we also have to allow ourselves to change. Clinging to one chapter, clinging to old parts of ourselves that don’t really fit anymore, not allowing ourselves to move forward, to change, causes us to suffer. But fear keeps us stuck.

Sometimes it is hard to move on from one chapter to a new one. We have such heavily entrenched patterns and habits that we keep enacting, even when those patterns and habits not longer feel fun or no longer are aligned with who we are becoming. We may feel pulled toward something new, but not yet understand what that something new looks like. Part of this clinging, is the fear of letting go of these old habits and patterns and of old parts of ourselves. They are familiar. We know where they lead. And even if we are tired of where they lead, at least we don’t have to venture into the unknown, which can be scary as hell. So we continue to play out the same habits and patterns and become increasingly misaligned with our true self. We feel bored, unfulfilled, irritable, confused, sad, or sick. We don’t yet know what the new path is and so we cling to what we know.

This can be true in love as well. Many of us want love and a close intimate connection but as we get close to it, we get scared and shut it down. Because letting someone else into our world means we often need to let go of something: some kind of independence, total freedom, safety and security in knowing that if we don’t get close to someone, we can’t get hurt. Maybe we fear that if we choose the wrong person, we will be stuck. Or we fear that maybe we don’t deserve to be loved fully. So we don’t allow this to happen. We fear losing ourselves if we allow a deep connection with someone else. Whatever fears arise that keep us from the surrender of connection and intimacy, they will likely be unconscious. Fear is the master of disguises. So instead of knowing that we are feeling afraid, we may feel smothered, bored, disinterested, or even repulsed by someone we were initially attracted to. So we end that connection and continue the process of dating feeling that we just need to find the “right” one. If we have a fear of intimacy and moving forward into a long term relationship, but we are not aware of this fear, we will continue this cycle of dating endlessly, never finding what we want. Because, in reality, we are scared of finding what we want. And if we find it, we run.

Fear blocks our path to unfolding and going with the nature of life: change and evolution. The first step to make your unconscious fears conscious. Ask yourself: If I allow myself to move forward, what am I afraid to let go of? What habits, people or parts of yourself are you afraid to move on from? What else am I afraid of? Write these things down. Whether you feel they are rational or irrational. Give voice to your fears. They are valid.

The second step is beginning to get clear on what you want in your life. If you weren’t scared, what would you do? What would you want in your life? If you take fear out of the picture, what life would you want to create?

Being aware of what your heart and soul actually desires and how fear may block you from moving toward that is important. Because once we make the unconscious conscious, we already begin to change. We can’t blindly repeat old patterns and habits unconsciously. We now have awareness. So we may continue to repeat old patterns and habits, and that’s okay. But now we do it with awareness. We may continue to lead with fear and let our fears get in the way of moving forward. But we do it consciously. When we are ready to let go, we will. But we have to allow ourselves time to get there. So allowing ourselves to be where we are, is important. And when we make decisions, we can be aware and honest with ourselves about WHY we are making that decision – is it out of fear or moving us toward what we want? We name the fear if its there. We acknowledge that we are enacting old patterns because they are comfortable, even if they won’t get us what we want. Eventually, having this awareness while we play out old patterns will become too uncomfortable and we will be ready to lean into change. And then we begin to shift,evolve, and allow ourselves to move toward what we actually want. But we must be gentle and compassionate with ourselves as we do it.

Fear will keep you stuck, Love. But if you begin to be aware of these fears and how they hold you back from what you really want, you are already changing. Letting go is a part of life. Over and over again. It’s not easy. But it’s essential. Give yourself time. You’re doing the best you can. And you are preparing for big change.


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