Blah, blah, blah, slash line.
Yada, yada, yada, eyes.
Something, something, something, smile.
Rabble, rabble, rabble, promote him.
In just a few words, I’ve basically summed up everything written or tweeted about the Cubs can’t-miss phenom over the past year. Interestingly enough, only one of said words got the dreaded red “this is not a real word” underline from spell-check. But I take issue with that, because “yada” was used in Seinfeld. If you recall, Elaine actually “yada-yada’ed” sex one time.
And that’s pretty fitting, since many among the Cubs faithful think that Kris Bryant is better than carnal knowledge. He’s certainly a more attractive option than Mike Olt, whose .150 average and 57(!) strikeouts are about aphrodisiacal as a stag film starring Jar Jar Binks.
But when fans aren’t swooning over his dreamy future, and features, they’re likely to take up torches and pitchforks in protest of the exploits of Dr. Frankepstein’s creation. Mr. Dabynsky took up arms against the angry villagers the other day, but I’m not sure the mob is quite ready to listen to reason.
Unless this kid comes up and immediately sets about having a rookie season like Mike McGwire, I’m afraid people will be disappointed. After all, this is a fanbase that witnessed the exploits of the great Sammy Sooser once upon a time. Bet you thought I made a typo there on Big Mac’s name, huh?
No, when it comes to messing up athletes’ names, I’ll just leave that to Boston politicos. I almost feel bad making fun of these guys; it’s as easy as shooting ducks in a barrel or as Varitek splitting the uprights.
Did Theo bring local speechwriters with him to populate the Cubs’ marketing department? That might help to explain the decided lack of awareness in the moves said unit has made.
But back to Bryant and baseball. As great as it would be to inject some excitement into the dull displays at Wrigley, what does calling him up accomplish? Does it make the team appreciably better? I mean, it makes them more fun and would certainly draw fans, but it doesn’t make them a playoff team.
And if bringing Bryant up makes the team better, but still not one of the top 5 teams in the league, then it actually works counter to “the plan.” I know that isn’t something a lot of you want to hear, but it’s the sad fact of the matter when it comes to the Cubs.
Do you really want mediocrity? Sure, it’s better than outright sucking, but is your desire simply to have a team that is semi-competitive in the standings? If so, then, by all means, let’s get the kid up now and heap some expectations on his young shoulders, let him take his cuts and make us happy that he’s in Chicago instead of Sevierville.
But if your goal is a team that is actually planning to compete for playoffs instead of a top-3 draft pick, then you should be fine with Bryant staying where he is. After all, he isn’t some kind of speculative investment that has be taken advantage of at just the right time, lest it be lost.
Kris Bryant is gold, and he’ll retain his value. The homers he’s mashing in the Southern League aren’t being removed from the future tally of his MLB longballs. This kid’s gonna be really good one day, but it doesn’t need to be today, or even tomorrow. No, KB is just fine where he’s at.
I really hope I didn’t twist up too many panties with this post; that really wasn’t my intention. Truth be told, I was going to leave the whole thing blank just to see how many unwitting souls I could troll by simply putting the magic name in the title. This kid’s not Rumpelstiltskin, but he’s certainly hoping to be able to turn straw into precious metal on the North Side.
Soon enough, those blue eyes and sparkling teeth (both of which will likely still be visible to rooftoppers, despite the increased signage) will grace boards both bill and video, but for now we must all get by on farm reports and #KrisBryantFacts tweets. And while that’s even less satisfying than methadone to a fiend, it’s what we’ve got.
#InTheoWeTrust, amitrite, my frents?
Follow me on Twitter: @DEvanAltman
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