The Wrigley Field bleachers may not be ready for the Chicago Cubs 2015 home opener, but rising above the construction zone that will later this spring or summer house beer-soaked 20-somethings will be a high-definition Adonis: the new Wrigley Field jumbotron. Purists scoff at it, but those who welcome the park (finally) entering the modern era, albeit four decades late, welcome it.
Love it or hate it, it will be there, and it will be a little hard to miss. So, to you, my fellow Cubs fans, I offer a quick guide to prepare for the things you will see and hear for the first time this season, both on the jumbotron as well as in and around Wrigley Field. Feel free to print and bring this with you to the ballpark this season.
The Fan’s Guide to the Wrigley Field Jumbotro (2015 edition)
“Down in front!” will be replaced with “You make a better door than a window!”
Keep this in mind when you stand up at any time other than the Anthem or getting up to wee or grab concessions.
“Change the channel.”
Chirped during blowouts
Waveland Avenue clogged with volunteers from the Endangered Flightless Birds of Illinois Coalition
Just ignore them. They’re taking donations for soon-to-be-extinct ball hawks.
The Importance of Wiping Front to Back PSAs from the Global Hygiene Council
Again, during the White Sox series, so not for you, unless this is the first you have heard of this concept. If so, please watch and listen before slapping high-fives with fans around you.
Things That Were Briefly Relevant in the ’90s, hosted by WTMX’s Eric & Kathy
Don’t give them too much credit. Their bid came in lower than Eddie and Jobo’s. Mancow tried to bid, but he was never relevant in the first place and fancies himself too busy being chased by black helicopters to make time to record the segments in his basement podcast station.
Best of luck getting “I’ll Be There for You” by The Rembrandts out of your head.
Forgotten Cubs of Yesteryear
Hosted by Gary Scott and sponsored by Zenith, these between-inning gems will showcase highlights from such former Cubs as Gary Gaetti, both Hairston children, Roosevelt Brown and Wellington Castillo. (Don’t worry, he’ll be gone.) Don’t worry. Sammy Sosa is too forgotten to be forgotten.
Cubs Nuclear Blast Goggles giveaway, sponsored by Argonne National Laboratory
Date TBD based on Kris Bryant’s debut, these ’60s-era gems will prevent microwaved retinas as a result of his pearly white smile exploding from the screen like a supernova. Please remember to discard your goggles in the large cardboard boxes by the exit gates, so they can be used at future games.
Watch for lead aprons later in the season.
Remedial Math with Pedro Guerrero
He never played for the Cubs, but this former Cubs killer had an astonishingly low IQ of 70, making him the perfect host for this learning segment. That is, of course, unless his attorneys lied about him being borderline retarded. Either way, this should provide minutes of entertainment as Pedro explains how two plus two equals chicken.
Again, during the White Sox series only.
The Star Spangled Banner playing at the end of the game, followed by television snow
This will replace “Go Cubs Go” as a reminder it’s time to go home. (If you don’t know what television snow is, you’re way too young to be reading this column.)
“I told you Ricketts is cheap. He didn’t even spring for HBO.”
This will oftentimes be immediately followed by, “Now about my bitcoin operation…” Just nod your head and back away.
Sammy Sosa: Fact or Fiction?
Henry Waxman (D- Calif.) and Giorgio A. Tsoukalos will debate whether or not Sammy Sosa actually existed. David Kaplan (@thekapman) will moderate and refer to them as “Idiot” and “Moron.”
Unexplained Ideas with Chuy Garcia
If I have to explain this to you, you’re not from Chicago.
Flashing TURN AROUND! sign
This is only intended for Starlin Castro. Please don’t look at the person sitting behind you.
Prize-winning fans selected using the Bozo Show Grand Prize Game Arrows during WGN games
This one is not a joke. Please, WGN, make this happen.
The Mike Fontenot Highlight Reel
It’s only seven seconds long, so don’t sneeze.
Guess What We Found During the Bleacher Demolition?
Sponsored by Trojan and hosted by Geraldo Rivera, someone is gonna have some splaining to do.
Sure, You’re Drunk, But Are You Chris Chelios Drunk?
This will be played as a reminder that last call is coming soon so you can beat the lines and also as an actual challenge. None of you will ever be Chris Chelios drunk, so don’t try it.
Hee-Haw and Sha Na Na reruns during rain delays
You guessed it. During the White Sox series.
Glenallen Hill called in to climb the jumbotron to adjust the rabbit ears
If this is not too random a joke for you, I want to be your friend.
How Does That Trade Look Now, Butt-Heads?, with Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer
Not only will this be a way to justify the many trades fans screamed about at the time, until Illinois legalizes weed, this will be the most relevant way to get Geovany Soto on the jumbotron screen. Nobody cared about that trade anyway,
Full-length movies during Edwin Jackson starts
I’ll be there for Valley Girl night.
Tom Ricketts whispering to the person next to him, “Yeah, it’s something, but the one in my garage is bigger.”
Just hope he’s talking about the jumbotron.